Butterfly's Sleep
by Gerald Tarrant
Summary: On a summer travel scholarship to the United States, Yui Hongou might be getting more than she bargained for.
1. Birth

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**I. Birth**

** Itooshi hito no tame ni  
Ima nani ga dekiru ka na?  
Kanawanai yume wa nai yo  
Massugu ni shinjiteru**
** What can I do now  
For the one I love?  
There are no dreams that can't come true  
I truly believe**
**--Fushigi Yuugi, _Itooshi Hito no Tame ni_ (TV opening theme)**

  
The weather outside was perfect for a game of basketball or volleyball or a walk in the park or anything but a dreary three hours' wait in the airport. Anything.  
Their flight had been scheduled to leave at nine o' clock that morning, but then the plane had had some problems with a temperature sensor, and rather than having them stay on board, the flight attendants had pushed all passengers off until further notice. Further notice being that the plane was now due to take off at more than three hours after it had been originally scheduled, and Yui was hungry.  
It wasn't a feeling she usually associated with herself. Miaka was the hungry one, the one constantly on the hunt for food, but right now Miaka was looking quite content nestled in the arms of Taka, who was sleeping with his mouth open. Keisuke was reading the newspaper, his eyebrows going up and down at some unseen piece of new information. In his lap, he was trying to balance a discman and an open can of beer. Tetsuya had dozed off as well, following Taka's earlier, and probably wiser example. And Andy…  
Andy was nowhere to be seen.  
It had been Miaka who had pushed Andy to come to the airport with them anyway to see Yui and Tetsuya off, since he was in Tokyo for a movie shoot and decided to discreetly drop by. As discreetly as he could, anyway, with the hundreds of reporters and media gurus constantly on the search for news concerning Asia's new hot movie and pop star, Andy Wong.  
It didn't matter that they knew him by a different name.  
Yui's stomach growled and she rolled her eyes slightly, trying to contain her hunger pangs. It was ridiculous. She had eaten a semi-large breakfast, and it was only barely past noon. She was not turning into Miaka.  
Moodily, she stared at the window at the passing planes. This should have been the trip of a lifetime. Receiving the scholarship for foreign study had made her parents so proud, and that in itself should have boosted her spirits. Her parents were never proud of her anything anymore. A travel scholarship to America for three months to study English and then a bonus two weeks' trip to England and Europe was more than she had dreamed of. The selection committee had praised her grasp of the language.  
Yui didn't think she spoke English that well. At least not as well as the board had maintained. Tetsuya had gotten the same scholarship, minus the European trip, and his English was not nearly as good even as hers. She attributed her success more to the fact that one of Japan's newest and brightest professors had been on the selection board and had a special preference towards her.  
It wasn't her fault that the young man once known as Suzaku seishi Chiriko had recognized her as Seiryuu no Miko.  
"Fame changes everything," she muttered to the reflective glass. It rattled as, in the nearby distance, an airplane took off.  
"So it does."  
She looked up to see the smiling, almost unearthly beautiful face of Andy Wong above her, disguised though it was with sunglasses.  
"Where have you been?"  
Andy held up a few fast food bags. "Getting lunch."  
"LUNCH!"  
Yui snatched the bags before the blur moving past her could reach them. "Miaka, sit down."  
"I'm-"  
"Hungry. Me too. We'll share, ok?"  
The row of worn airport seats sagged as Yui and Andy gingerly took their seats, eyeing a dozing Keisuke whose beer can was starting to tip precariously. "I'm surprised no one's recognized you by now."  
Andy laughed. "No one expects to see anyone famous at an airport like this. Besides, I think the sunglasses are a rather good disguise, don't you?"  
Yui groaned, gingerly extracting the semi-greasy burger from the silver wrapping. "I don't like Burger King."  
"It was the only thing I could find. Gomen."  
She smiled. "You don't have to apologize. I was just complaining." She sighed. "Maybe I should just forget about this trip-"  
"Yui-chan! You've been talking about it for weeks! You can't just not go now! Besides, your parents would have a fit!"  
"I was just kidding," Yui said. The burger tasted as greasy as it looked. She put it down and stared out the window. "I'm already at the airport, aren't I?"  
Behind her there was a grunt. "The plane fixed yet?"  
"Go back to sleep, Tetsuya," Miaka said. "It'll be a while."  
A while yet. It was always a while yet. Her whole life, a series of whiles and laters passing her by. _Okaasan, can you look at my homework? Later, dear. Tousan, when are we going to go somewhere as a family? Later, Yui. Okaasan, I made an A on my test! I'll have time to talk to you in a while, Yui. I'm busy._  
"What's the matter, Yui-chan?" She looked up. Miaka had stopped eating and was looking at her with a worried look. "You don't look so good."  
"I'm sure it's just the stress of the upcoming plane ride," Andy said, patting her shoulder.  
"That must be it," Yui said quietly. Her stomach was churning now. "Excuse me. I have to use the restroom."  
It wasn't that no one cared. Tetsuya cared, she knew. And Miaka and Taka cared, and Keisuke and Andy and a myriad of other people and faces that whirled through her mind like a wind. But still it wasn't enough. Not nearly enough.  
She stumbled through the doors of the bathroom, where she threw up in the sink.

  


** Tsuki no mukou aoi searchlight  
Kasanaru  
Totsuzen maiorita angel  
Sou kimi wa dare?**
** Beyond the moon, a blue searchlight,  
One after another  
Suddenly alighted an angel,  
So, who are you?**
**--Vision of Escaflowne, _Mystic Eyes_ (TV ending theme)**

  
When she arrived back at the waiting lounge, Taka and Tetsuya were awake. Tetsuya stood quickly when he saw her, half-running to catch her arm.  
"Are you ok? Miaka said you looked a little sick…"  
Yui waved him off with a small smile. "I'm fine. Just I don't like Burger King."  
The look Andy gave her was more relieved than annoyed. "I know that now."  
She sat down between her bags, feeling Tetsuya's arm slip around her shoulder. "She'll be fine when we board the plane," he said, squeezing her shoulders reassuringly. "Right?"  
Yui nodded.  
"Yui-chan, where are you going again? Did you give me the address? I have to write you, you know!"  
"I did give you the address. I'm going to Philadelphia, remember?" She stumbled over the pronounciation of Philadelphia. "Though I'll be in New York for a few weeks, most likely. And maybe New Jersey? Is that near Philadelphia? I forgot."  
"Ooh, New York!" Miaka's eyes grew wide. "You'll get me souvenirs, right?"  
Yui managed a smile at that. "Of course. Souvenirs for everyone. If-" She nudged her boyfriend in the stomach, "_someone_ helps me pay."  
"Hey!" Tetsuya protested. "I'm not staying with the same host family as you!"  
"You might as well be next door. You're two doors down from the family I'm staying with." Yui pulled out her travel slip to reread the information. She could never remember her host family's last name. "G-Grant?"  
"I'm with the Jacobsen family." Tetsuya looked reflective. "I wonder if they have any good-looking daughters."  
Yui smacked him.  
"It's so nice outside," Taka said, his arms still around Miaka. "We could have gone out for lunch."  
"Our genius emperor here decided not to," Tetsuya said, pointing at Andy, who had a look of self-righteousness plastered on his face.  
"You were all asleep!"  
"It's all right," Yui said quietly, stuffing the slips of paper back into her travel bag. "I don't mind. I'm not hungry anymore anyway."  
Tetsuya wound his arms more tightly around her and she tried to relax for a moment as the group fell silent, staring out the big glass windows. It was funny. She'd been having trouble sleeping the past few months, even with Tetsuya beside her in the same bed, his breathing deep and even and hypnotic. It wasn't that she didn't feel safe. Maybe it was she felt too safe, that there was a duty she had not yet fulfilled and she was growing complacent.  
Or something.  
Seiryuu had been summoned, the world had been put back to normal. She wasn't Seiryuu no Miko anymore. It was over. The nightmares and the dreams had faded, and she'd put it all behind her, as Miaka and Taka and Andy and the rest had urged her to do.  
Of course, it was easy for them. They'd had each other. She, on the other hand…  
She had no one.  
Her seishi were all dead.  
"Yui?"  
"Yes?"  
"You're crying."  
She hadn't even noticed.

  


** Sekai-bun no ichi no yume wa itai yo  
Honto wa kowai keredo  
Donna ni naite mo ii  
Ima shika dekinai tabi ga shitai**
** My dreams, one part of the world, it hurts  
Really it's scary but  
It's all right however much I cry  
I want to start a journey that can only be taken now**
**--Rurouni Kenshin, _1/Sekai no Boku_ (Myoujin Yahiko)**

  
"Passengers for flight 1352 to San Fransisco, USA, may now board."  
"Yui-chan! That's you guys!"  
"I know, Miaka. I'm not deaf."  
"But-"  
"Come on, Miaka," Taka said, taking her hand. "Yui's not feeling too well."  
"Oh." Miaka's face fell. "I thought you said you felt better, Yui-chan."  
"I-" Yui gave up trying to explain herself and decided it would be best to try and wake Tetsuya, who had somehow fallen asleep again between lunch and the announcement. "Tetsuya, wake up."  
Her boyfriend wrinkled his nose and tried to turn the other way to avoid her pushing hand. Keisuke put down his newspaper and slapped his best friend on the head gently.  
"Come on, baka, you'll miss your plane!"  
"You have everything, Yui-chan?"  
"Yes, mother."  
Miaka laughed, but her eyes were filled with tears. Suddenly, she wrenched herself out of Taka's grasp, throwing skinny arms around Yui. "Yui-chan, I'll miss you!"  
"It's not like I'm at the end of the world, Miaka…I'll write you, I promise."  
"And we'll write you, of course," Taka said, smoothing Miaka's hair. "Both of you."  
"If you need money, just call," Andy said. "You have my cell number."  
"Funny," Tetsuya hoisted his backpack up on his shoulder. "Nuriko and Pedro both said the same thing when I told them goodbye."  
"Anything to help friends." The movie star grinned and gently hugged Yui. "Have a safe trip."  
"Remember to call us when you get there!" Miaka said.  
"Yui, we have to go. They've called our row number."  
"Just a minute." She was wrestling with her recalcitrant purse. Finally stuffing it into her backpack, she took a deep breath. "All right. Let's go."  
"Don't pick up too many American guys!" Keisuke called after them with a smirk. Tetsuya touched her on the arm.  
"You ok? You're awfully quiet."  
"I'm all right. Maybe a little queasy. Remind me never to eat Burger King again."  
"Will do."  
_And tell me again why I'm so lonely._

  


** Tatoeba yume ni tsukarete mo  
Uragirareta ai demo  
Kokoro wa kuuhaku no mama de  
Omoide sae mo nokosezu**
** For my dreams are worn out  
And I'm betraying love, but  
My heart is like a blank  
No matter the memories I'll leave them behind**
**--Gundam Wing, _Doukeshi_ (Trowa Barton)**

  
"Yui-chan looked awfully sad."  
"She didn't get enough sleep last night, packing, probably," Keisuke said, tossing his newspaper in the trash bin. Outside, the gate retracted and the big plane began its taxi out to the runway. Andy picked up Keisuke's half-finished beer and downed the rest of it in one gulp, grimacing at the taste. What kind of trash did Miaka's brother drink, anyway?  
"Hey! That's my beer!"  
"Still," Miaka said stubbornly, clinging to Taka's arm and pressing her nose against the glass. "It's not like her. She's always happy."  
"Maybe that's just what she wants you to think," Andy said.  
"Huh?"  
Andy shook his head. "Nothing. Maybe I'm becoming a little morose too." Time to change the subject. "Fame and beauty will do that to you."  
"Hotohori!" Taka said, casting a long-suffering look at the movie star with an emphasis on his seishi name. Andy grinned.  
"I wish I knew what was wrong with her…I want to help her…"  
"She's had a rough time," Keisuke said. "This vacation will be good for her. And she'll get to be with Tetsuya."  
"What if that's not what she wants?"  
Keisuke cast an incredulous glare at Andy. "What do you mean? They've been going out for almost two years!"  
"I don't know. But-don't you think that after so long they'd look like more of a couple? Yui doesn't really seem to be as comfortable in the relationship as Tetsuya does. At least to me." Andy shrugged, beginning to take off his sunglasses to clean them before realizing that meant exposing his face to the airport. "What do I know?"  
"You know a lot, old friend," Taka said. He sounded thoughtful. "You may be right."  
Keisuke looked indignant. "Tetsuya's a good guy."  
"I didn't say he wasn't," Andy snapped back in defense.  
"Guys!"  
"I think Yui needs a break, that's all." In the far distance there was a roar of engines. "Is that her plane?"  
"I think so." Miaka pressed her face further into the glass. "Yui-chan! Goodbye!"  
"Shhh!" Taka poked her in the back of the head. "This is the airport, for heaven's sake, not a stadium!"  
Miaka bounced back from the glass as if she hadn't heard Taka's warning. "Come on, let's go home! I'm going to write her and Tetsuya a letter right now!"  
Keisuke pocketed his headphones as he watched his sister drag Taka into the airport crowds. "There they go. Or rather, there she goes."  
"We'll catch up." Andy waited until the other had collected his myriad belongings.  
"Sorry my sister is such a brat sometimes."  
"She's only sixteen. In this world, she's still considered a child. Besides, I fell in love with her, once."  
"You did."  
Skirting the crowds of people carrying cups of coffee and pearl milk tea and soft drinks and cheap fast-food paper trays of sushi and talking loudly on miniature cell phones.  
"Maybe that's what Yui needs. Someone to fall madly in love with. Head over heels. Like Miaka and Tamahome."  
Keisuke didn't look convinced. "I think all she needs is a good vacation. She's been studying too hard, that's all."  
"If that's what you think." Andy tried to catch a glimpse of the two departed members of their group, but it was impossible through the thick of people. "Still, I wonder what would have happened if Yui had been Suzaku no Miko."  
"Would you have fallen in love with her?"  
Andy's expression didn't change. "Probably. But I was young and still naïve, then. Yui is mentally older than a lot of girls her age. I think she's still searching for something here that the Shin Jin Ten Chi Sho couldn't offer her."  
Keisuke snorted. "It offered her a lot of things. And all of them sucked."  
"You could put it that way." Andy stepped into the waiting elevator. "Maybe things will change for her. She's had a lot of bad experiences."  
"At least her seishi didn't show up again reincarnated here." That statement earned some strange looks from the other passengers of the elevator.  
The doors opened and they stepped out. "That's true. At least she has that."  
His private car was at the other end of the private tunnel, and he could see Miaka and Taka waving at them from the entrance.  
_Or_, he amended to himself as they crossed over to join them. _She doesn't have that._

  


** Holy lonely light  
Iisoge jibun wo shinjite  
Heavy lonely night  
Yami no naka kara kotae wo mitsukedase**
** Holy lonely light  
Hurry, I must believe in myself  
Heavy lonely night  
To find a way out of the darkness**
--Macross 7, _Holy Lonely Light_


	2. Awakening

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**II. Awakening**

**

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you  
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right  
And life has a funny way of helping you out when  
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up  
In your face  
And isn't it ironic...don't you think  
A little too ironic…yeah I really do think

**
**--Alanis Morissette, _Ironic_**

  
The couple that met Yui at the airport was older, plump, sedate, comfortable a like a couple of couch pillows. Yui found herself liking them almost immediately.  
When she came out of the gate with Tetsuya closely behind her, the first thing she spotted was a large sign spelling "Yui Hongou" in large romanji letters. The man bearing the sign wore horn-rimmed glasses, slightly balding, with a small paunch. The woman beside him looked like the Hongous' neighber next door, Mrs. Fujimiya, whose primary hobby was watering her plants and writing letters. Yui liked Mrs. Fujimiya.  
"You are Yui Hongou?" The American accent was a little strange to her ears. The woman was examining her up and down with the sort of look one would give to little children in a pet store.  
"Yes ma'am." She had to speak louder above the roar of voices around her, but the woman broke into a smile and then immediately pumped her hand in greeting.  
"I'm Barbara Grant, and this is my husband Will. We're so glad you're here!"  
Yui smiled and nodded, seeing Tetsuya being accosted out of the corner of her eye by his host family. She could see a little boy tugging at his pant leg. Meanwhile, Will Grant had put down his sign and was adjusting his glasses. He smiled at her when he saw her looking at him.  
"Ah…Yui?" She nodded. "You probably have baggage at the baggage claim, isn't that right?" She nodded again and grasped her carry-on.  
"Which way is the claim, sir?"  
"Right this way. And you can call us Will and Barbara."  
Yui blinked. She would never have dreamed of calling Mrs. Fujimiya by her first name. It must be different in America.  
Philadelphia International Airport was a maze of floors and escalators and walkways in which Yui would have gotten lost in the first five minutes if the Grants had not been there. They took their time getting to the baggage area, chatting all the while.  
"We've wanted to host someone from this exchange program for the longest time…We have three children, you see, but the youngest one is already in his second year at college and he's away for the summer, and the two others are graduated and working. So it's rather lonely at home."  
"I'm sorry," Yui offered, unsure of what to say, if Will and Barbara Grant wanted sympathy or were simply talking. American customs were strange.  
"Oh, don't be sorry, dear. We're so glad you're here! What will you be doing while you're here in the States?"  
"I'll be finding a job and taking several classes," Yui said, hoping her verb tenses were correct. "And just traveling. I have money for train tickets to New York and New Jersey and the surrounding area as well as Europe."  
Barbara smiled, the expression lighting up her face. "Why, that's wonderful, dear! Simply wonderful! New York is simply the most _gorgeous_ place, with so many things to do…"  
"You seemed to know that boy who got off the plane with you," Will commented as they stepped on yet another escalator. "A friend?"  
"He is my boyfriend," Yui said, wondering if they would be comfortable with her having a boyfriend. "He is staying with the Jacobsen family two doors down from you, I believe."  
"How convenient," said Will. "You two can go to New York together."  
"Yes, sir, we were planning on it."  
"No more sirs!" Will said impatiently. "It's just Will. I want you to feel like we're your friends, not teachers. Kids these days don't feel comfortable around adults anymore."  
Yui did not comment as they stepped off the escalator and into the huge baggage claim area. The clanging of the machines and the noise of people was near fever pitch. Suitcases tumbled onto the moving belts like food being regurgitated from some monster's pit of a stomach.  
Just thinking about that made Yui's stomach start to hurt again, and the cloudy Philadelphia sky outside the tinted windows didn't help.  
Tetsuya was nowhere in sight, but they'd already hypothesized on the plane that they would probably be separated when they arrived in Philadelphia. She had his phone number, so she could call him tonight. Strangely, she didn't really feel like calling him, but she probably should, anyway.  
She didn't feel like doing much of anything these days.

  


**

While you were sleeping  
I was listening to the radio  
And wondering what you were dreaming when  
It came to mind that I didn't care  
So I thought hell if it's over  
I had better end it quick  
Or I could lose my nerve  
Are you listening-can you hear me

**
**--Matchbox 20, _Rest Stop_**

  
The Grants lived in a two-story brick house in a quiet cul-de-sac in a quiet neighborhood. Will Grant tugged Yui's many suitcases inside with a strength that she didn't know he had in him. The house was rather dark but homey, with a comfortable smell that was musty and pleasant at the same time. It was decorated with old photographs, bits of lace and embroidery on the backs of the couches, paintings and antiques and knick-knacks.  
Yui's room was a small second-story bedroom decorated plainly. It had been their youngest son's room, Barbara Grant explained, and since he wasn't home for the summer, they wanted her to have it. It was painfully clear that this son was very important to both of them, by the look in Barbara's eyes and the pride in Will's voice when he spoke of him.  
"Steven's majoring in electrical engineering and biochemistry. He's going to be a surgeon someday," Will said, huffing and puffing as he toted the last suitcase up the stairs. "He's my boy."  
"What of your other two children?" Yui wondered.  
"Mary lives in California. She's a screenwriter. You probably haven't read any of her works, though," Barbara said. "She's quite good. Our oldest, Tom, is in the army."  
"I see," Yui murmured, not sure what to say. She sat down on the soft down comforter of the bed. It was a dark blue and looked fairly new. "Thank you for the help, s-Will."  
"No problem." Will stood, hands on his hips, looking around. "Well, Barbara's making dinner. Anything special you want?"  
Yui blinked. She didn't know much about American food, just that consisted of hamburgers and french fries and junk food. "No, s-Will. Anything is fine."  
He smiled a fatherly smile and ducked out the door, leaving her with her suitcases and her new empty room and her thoughts.  
She stayed on the bed for a few moments, just staring at the walls, thinking about nothing, noting the fading evening light outside and the feeling that she was very, very tired. It had been a long flight from Japan to San Fransisco to Philadelphia, and the time lag was wearing on her. She hadn't been able to sleep on the plane but just watched Tetsuya sleep in the seat next to her, mouth slightly open, sprawled back in his tiny airplane seat, watched him as he slept and wondered why she suddenly didn't want to watch him anymore.  
Suddenly, the bed seemed too soft.  
Yui got up, walking slowly around the room, glancing at the momentos of a boy who no longer lived here. On the bedstand, a lamp, some cards, a picture of a girl who she guessed was an old girlfriend. She wondered if he were still dating her. Relationships seemed to come and go so quickly in this world. Together one day, single the next.  
Two years, she'd been with Tetsuya.  
Was it worth it?  
Next the dresser, a dark wooden squat-looking piece of furniture in the corner. She opened the drawers, but they were empty, little cedar squares scenting them with a fresh, stinging smell. The bottoms of the wooden drawers were covered with colored wallpaper. She closed the drawer and ran a finger along the dusty top of the dresser. There was another lamp there that Will had lit earlier, a white comb lying there like a wilted larva, in the light bright white against the darkness. On the wall above the dresser there was a lighter rectangle where a poster or picture had probably once hung.  
And then the desk, by the slightly open window where cool evening drifted in and the moon was beginning to rise. She hadn't realized how late it was. The desk looked forbiddingly empty. Yui had always considered desks to be very private, and she felt a little shiver go up her spine before she gently touched the dark wood of the desktop. It felt hard and cold under her fingers.  
She didn't pull open the drawers of the desk, just leaned on the tabletop, feeling the cool wind coming through the window on her skin. The houses on the street were close together and the window of Steven's room faced the house next door. She could see the shadow of someone moving about on the blinds. She wondered what Tetsuya was doing. He had her number; he could call her. She didn't need to call him.

  


**

Someone told me long ago  
There's a calm before the storm  
I know, it's been coming for some time  
When it's over, so they say  
It'll rain on a sunny day  
I know, shining down like water

**
**--Creedence Clearwater Revival, _Have You Ever Seen the Rain_**

  
Yui didn't bother to unpack…she had a month for that, anyway. Dinner was actually a rather elaborate affair, with a large slab of meat that Barbara called "steak" and had to be eaten with a knife and fork. She was no stranger to knife and fork, but it was a little clumsy trying to cut with the knife while holding the fork. The meat was good and filling, and after dinner she excused herself politely, asking if she could take a walk around the neighborhood.  
"Go ahead, Yui," Barbara said. "Just be careful. It's safe, but it's getting dark."  
She thanked them for the dinner and put on her shoes, departing quietly out the backdoor. The air was crisp and cool, not at all like Tokyo. The small, close houses, the large trees and lawns and mailboxes and New England smell gave her a bit of a shock all at once when she stepped off the front porch and onto the sidewalk.  
It was pleasant, the walk down the path in the growing dark and the breezy evening. She wasn't sure exactly which way Tetsuya's host family was, but she didn't feel like talking to him anyway at the moment. She needed a little time. To sort things out.  
Yui stopped a moment, idly reaching out to twirl a tree leaf between her fingers. The sun had set but the last tinges of dusk had not left the sky. Clouds were beginning to form at the horizon. It would probably rain tonight. The lights were on in the house windows, and lamplights in the yards were beginning to turn on.  
A scraping sound nearby made her turn to find its source. In the dimming light she could make out a figure holding a broom, sweeping the dirt and dead leaves from her driveway . She began walking and as she drew closer, she could see it was a woman dressed in baggy work clothes. The woman raised a hand in greeting, then stopped sweeping.  
"Hello."  
Yui blinked. "Hello, ma'am."  
"I don't believe I know you…are you new here?"  
"I'm from Japan over in America on a travel scholarship," Yui said, aware that this was only the first of many times she'd have explain her presence here. "I'm staying with the Grants."  
The woman beamed. "The Grants. Nice people. Their children are wonderful."  
Yui smiled. "They seem very friendly."  
"Oh, definitely. My daughter was friends with their Mary since they've been in grade school. Well," she looked reflective. "They haven't talked in years. But they were very close when they were children."  
"Where is your daughter now?"  
The woman's expression was closed. "She's living with me now. She came home because she was sick."  
"Oh!" Yui flinched. She'd said the wrong thing. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have-"  
"It's all right." The woman waved her apology away. "I haven't introduced myself to you. I'm Helen Rushette."  
"Yui Hongou. Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Rushette."  
She was half afraid that the other would insist she call her Helen, but Mrs. Rushette just smiled. "I'm pleased to meet you also. It's been kind of lonely around this neighborhood, with so few children. Most of ours are grown up and moved away."  
_Except for yours,_ Yui thought. She wondered what kind of illness it was that had driven Mrs. Rushette's daughter back home to her. Did her daughter not have a husband?  
"Well, I'd better head in. My daughter will need her medicine soon. And you should head home. It's dark."  
"Yes ma'am. Could you tell me which house the Jacobsens live in, please?"  
"Of course." She pointed. "You're with the Grants. That's the house with the blue window shutters. The Jacobsens are two more houses down, in the brown brick house. It's hard to see in the dark, but you can't miss it in the daylight."  
"Yes. Thank you very much."  
"You're welcome. Good night!" The woman waved her free hand, then hoisted her broom and began walking up the driveway without waiting for Yui's answer.  
Two houses down, in the brown brick house. She wondered how Tetsuya was doing with that little boy she had seen the Jacobsens with. Tetsuya hated children. She smiled, but it was an ephemeral smile.  
She began walking slowly back to the Grants' house, thinking about nothing. A shiver of wings, and a butterfly fluttered into her path, turning circles in the air. She watched it as it flipped and then flitted away into the cool night air.  
So beautiful. So free.

  


**

For the life of me  
I cannot remember what made us think  
That we were wise and we'd never compromise  
For the life of me I cannot believe  
We'd ever die for these sins  
We were merely freshmen

**
**--Verve Pipe, _The Freshmen _**

  
She took a quick shower and wished Mr. and Mrs Grant goodnight, then returned to her empty room and sat gingerly at the desk, blank paper and pencil in front of her. She should write Miaka and the rest a letter. She would call, but she didn't know how to long distance, and she didn't want to bother her host parents.  
Besides, if she picked up the phone, she might feel a flash of guilt and have to call Tetsuya after all.  
Picking up the pencil, Yui tapped it to her cheek, thinking of the words. The neat kanji and hirigana flowed onto the paper like water.

_Dear Miaka,_

I arrived in Philadelphia today and thought I would write you a letter just to let you know I was here safely. I told you I would write! Sorry about not calling but I don't know the American system yet. My host family is very friendly and really made me feel welcome here in the United States.

It is different here in ways I can't really explain yet, since I've only been here two days. But even the air feels different. I don't know how to describe it…I'll tell you later in a letter. Maybe I am just not used to the language and customs quite yet.

I am sorry about being snappish in the airport. Lately I haven't been feeling so well. I don't know what it is, but I feel rather lonely, even in Tokyo surrounded by all of you. You have your seishi around you and your friends, and I feel like an intruder on a happy family, sometimes. It-

Yui stopped, reading over the last paragraph, then shook her head and erased it. That wouldn't do, not in a letter to Miaka. She bit her lip and began a new paragraph.

_I know I was not very kind in the airport when we were waiting for my plane, and I hope you won't hold it against me. Tetsuya and I seem to be having some problems lately, and-_

Groaning, she erased that too. She thought for a moment, sighing softly, then crumpled up the letter and threw it in the wastebasket under the desk. It was no use. She couldn't think clearly tonight and it was pointless trying to write a letter in which she couldn't get her thoughts across. Her throat felt dry and her back hurt. Jet lag, maybe.  
She got up, stretching. Her hair was dry now. The bulging suitcases in the corner stared at her, and she blinked at them for a moment. She could unpack now, or wait until the morning and just go to bed. The blue comforter beckoned to her and she found her eyelids growing heavy. It had been a long day. Most definitely jet lag.  
Turning back the cover, she found crisp light blue sheets and a fluffy pillow. She clicked off the desk lamp, leaving the moon bathing the room in clear light coming from behind the curtains. The window was open, but she didn't feel like closing it.  
In Kutou sometimes she had slept with her window open and the moon coming through the windows.  
Her last thought before drifting into darkness was that she had never called Tetsuya, after all.

  


**

You know the lies that they always told you  
And the love you never knew  
What's the things they never showed you  
That swallowed the light from the sun  
Inside your room

**

Coming down the world turned over  
And angels fall without you there  
And I go on as you get colder  
Or are you someone's prayer

--Goo Goo Dolls, _Black Balloon_


	3. Strength

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**III. Strength**

**

We're here and now, but will we ever be again  
Cause I have found  
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade  
Away again  
It's too far away for me to hold  
It's too far away  
Guess I'll let it go

**
**--Fuel, _Shimmer_**

  
After a week, Yui felt comfortable enough around the neighborhood and her host family to go out in the yard to help the Grants with some yardwork.  
Will Grant loved growing things. It was evident in the way he handled leaves and stems with reverence, the way he carefully arranged flower petals with gentle hands, the way he clipped weeds as if even they were sacred princes of unseen kingdoms. Yui had never met anyone with so much passion for gardening. The only real gardens she had seen were on trips to Shinto shrines, and there was a certain air about them that made her afraid to touch anything.  
In the Grants' garden, every plant and every green thing was a child to touch and to hold and to love.  
At first she just pulled weeds and growths, but after a few days, Will gave her the clippers and showed her how to trim bushes. Someday when it was the right season, he said, they could plant flowers. Yui had never planted flowers before.  
Will Grant reminded her a bit of Tatara, odd though the comparison was. The reverence in his eyes for the growing things he tended was exactly as she remembered in the Byakko seishi's own as he had held that seed in his hand.  
When Yui had betrayed his trust.  
The weather was cool, but warm enough that they would work up a sweat in the yard outside, and then Barbara would have lemonade waiting for them when they reentered the house, tired and happy. She'd never had lemonade before, but Yui fell instantly in love with the sweet, yet tangy flavor of sugar and lemons. If everything American were like this, she could grow to love the country. Though the language was a bit strange.  
"You know," Will said the first Sunday night, after dinner. "After a few more days of this, you'd be more than qualified enough to be able to help in a gardening store or something."  
She'd almost forgotten that she was supposed to get a job here, and the words startled her for a moment. She had become comfortable with the Grants after the first day, helping around the house and learning what made them smile. Yui had always been good with making people smile.  
She had finally called Tetsuya that second night, but the conversation had been short. She had heard what sounded like crying in the background, and when she had asked about it, Tetsuya had just sighed.  
"Yeah," he said. "They've got a kid."  
He had gotten a job almost immediately at the local bookstore, which he said would definitely help him with his English. They hadn't talked about that. Especially for a new employee there, work was strenuous and he didn't have time to talk. He had sounded apologetic when he said that, but Yui detected an almost pleading note in his voice, as if he didn't really want to talk to her. She supposed her voice had the same note when she agreed.  
Two years, going down the drain.  
She had seen Mrs. Rushette a few more times after that. The other woman seemed to like gardening as well, though with a sick daughter she was probably not out as often as Yui and Will Grant. Yui had asked her if she needed any help with her yard, and Mrs. Rushette had smiled.  
"Sweet girl. Not right now, but if I do in the future, I'll give you a call."  
She used the free time in the evenings to write letters to Miaka and Taka, Keisuke, and the Suzaku seishi, addressed to Andy in Hong Kong. She felt almost obliged to write Andy, since he had given her extra spending money on the trip _("How the hell can you take a trip around the world with the meager amount they give out?")_, and Chiriko _("I was not biased when I selected you. You're imagining things.")_. She wished she had internet access, but since the Grants' children were all gone, they had no computers in their house. Of course, old-fashioned hand written letters were nice, too, and not that she was a internet junkie, but email would have been more efficient and quick.  
The Grants talked a lot about their children. Beautiful Mary, who was married with a child on the way in November, a successful screenwriter in Hollywood. Their oldest son Tom, a captain in the Army. ("He's in Saudi Arabia right now," said Barbara.) And of course Steven, the engineer/doctor, who they couldn't seem to stop gushing about. He was away right now, having secured an internship in Michigan somewhere. Yui had seen pictures of all three. Mary and Tom dark-haired like Barbara, with intelligent, serious faces, and Steven, blond like Will must have been in his younger days, bright and sparkling with a personality that seemed to leap off the photograph at Yui. She wondered how someone like that could stand to sit at a computer and do calculations all day.  
Mrs. Rushette finally asked Yui to step in and do the yardwork soon after. It wasn't much, and Yui enjoyed the extra time being outdoors in the New England sunshine. According to the information she had looked up on the internet before she left Japan, it was supposed to be a rainy summer up north here, but so far they had had nothing but sun except for the day she arrived in Philadelphia. Mrs. Rushette's garden was certainly profiting from the weather, and Yui had a fair share of weeds to pull every time she made the trip over.  
The Rushette house was a squat one-story with shady trees over the front porch, a bird feeder hanging from one branch, and sparkling windchimes by the front door. At least one window was always open, and Yui could sometimes hear soft music coming from the one by the garage as she worked in the yard. But Mrs. Rushette seldom came outside anymore that she was not doing yardwork, and Yui wondered if her daughter had gotten worse.

  


**

I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else  
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same  
But somewhere here in between  
The city walls of dying dreams  
I think of death it must be killing me

**
**--The Wallflowers, _One Headlight_**

  
She had gotten a job at a greenhouse/nursery just a few streets down from the subdivision where the Grants lived, and when she finally had free time to go help Mrs. Rushette in the yard, the weeds had grown tall and she had a hard time digging out the roots.  
She was deep in the middle of a particularly stubborn plant when the roar of a car sounded behind her, and Mrs. Rushette pulled up in the driveway, stopping the car and getting out, keys in hand.  
"Yui! I haven't seen you around for a while."  
Yui stood up, stretching slightly. Despite the other woman's light tones, she thought Mrs. Rushette's face looked tired and drawn behind the sunglasses. "I found a job, ma'am, but I had some free time today."  
"I see. Well, I hate to interrupt you. I just got back from the grocery store."  
"Do you need help carrying bags?" Yui inquired. "I'm almost done in the yard."  
Mrs. Rushette's face seemed to light up. "Would you? That would be so helpful of you."  
"Of course," Yui said, going around to the back and waiting for Mrs. Rushette to unlock the trunk. There were quite a few grocery bags. Obviously, she hadn't shopped in a while.  
Carrying the milk, she went around to the back door and opened it with one hand, steadying the cartons with the other, and stepped inside the house. The window was open in the kitchen and a cool breeze flooded in. The floor was of slick, worn linoleum, and the curtains around the window were yellowed with age. It was a small kitchen, barely enough to hold a stove and refrigerator and countertop and a small kitchen table with three chairs.  
Yui guessed the milk went in the refrigerator, and opened the door. The inside was almost bare. Had Mrs. Rushette not even had time to go shopping?  
She deposited the milk carefully on the shelf and shut the door, preparing to go back outside when a picture caught her eye. It was hanging on the wall next to the window, the only decoration on the otherwise bare brown wallpaper. She stepped closer, frowning.  
It was a teenage girl, in the photograph perhaps a little younger than Yui, holding a spring of roses. Her body was petite and slim, and she was wearing a simple white dress with a high neckline and long sleeves, elegant like a ballgown. She was smiling, but it seemed to Yui that her eyes were looking off into the distance, gazing at something beyond her reach. Her hair was coppery, falling around her shoulders in waves.  
Yui didn't know why she reached up a hand to the picture, didn't know why she felt the sudden need, the urge to touch the girl's cheek, forever frozen in time, and whisper that it would be all right, that she would someday find what she was looking for.  
But before her fingers touched the glass, there was a rustle from the next room, and she froze.  
"Mother? Mother, is that you?"  
Mrs. Rushette's daughter. She had forgotten all about her. Was that her in the picture? Yui glanced around guiltily, quickly lowering her hand like a child caught pickpocketing a candy bar in the grocery aisle. Mrs. Rushette was outside; Yui could see her through the window leaning into the car to pick up something unseen. Would it be-  
She was naturally curious, and her curiosity overcame her caution. Just a quick look into the next room, to see who this mysterious daughter was. It couldn't hurt, could it? Mrs. Rushette would be grateful that she had looked to see how her daughter was.  
Of course she would be.  
Steeling herself, Yui crossed the kitchen and the narrow hallway where the door to another room lay slightly ajar. She knocked.  
"Mother?"  
"No," Yui said softly, then pushed the door open.  
The curtains were drawn but there was a light burning on the bedstand by the wide bed in which the too bony figure lay, covers pulled up to her chest. One arm rested slightly outside the bedspread, and huge gray eyes frowned at her as she entered the room, the intruder who was not her mother.  
The coppery hair spread across the pillow like ocean waves, long brilliant strands of it, spilling over the coverlet and over the side of the bed, onto the white nightgown like a shroud. Red lips parted but did not speak.  
The words which Yui had prepared never came.  
For a long moment they stared at each other, the blond Japanese girl in work overalls and clumsy gardening boots, with mud on her knees and dirt on her cheek, and the red-haired woman in the bed, frail in the yellow light that streamed from the bedside lamp, and the room whirled around them and time stood still.  
"Soi?" Yui said.

  


**

She's got a gun, she's got a gun  
She got a gun she calls the lucky one  
She left a note right by the phone  
Don't leave a message cause this ain't no home  
And she cried and she cried and she cried  
She cried so long her tears ran dry  
Then she laughed and she laughed, she laughed  
Cause she knew she was never coming back

**
**--Beth Hart, _L.A. Song_**

  
"I knew you would come."  
Her Japanese accent was flawless. The temperature in the room seemed to have gone up to sweltering. Yui swallowed, clenching her hands.  
"It was you in that picture, wasn't it? In the kitchen."  
"You saw that?" There was no particular emotion in that voice. Just a quiet, resigned tone.  
"I saw it."  
The silence was awkward, hanging like a metal curtain between the two strangers who had once known each other and were yet still strangers.  
"I-" Yui said.  
But the other held up her hand. "Don't."  
Yui closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. Soi, I'm so sorry."  
"I don't hate you, you know."  
Yui didn't move from her position by the doorway, not looking at the bed but not anywhere else either, the gray walls of the room floating in her vision. "What am I supposed to say? Why, hello, Soi. It's nice to see you in this world, in this life." She heard the bitterness in her own voice, all the festering hurt she had never known she still possessed rising to the surface. "It's nice to know that I haven't escaped from the nightmare that I thought ended with Nakago's death."  
"I don't hate you."  
Yui moved out of the doorway then, into the dim room, standing by the bed of the woman who, in another life, she had called Soi. For a long moment, there was another awkward silence, and then she expelled a deep breath.  
"Hello, Soi."  
There was a wan smile on that white face. "Hello, Yui."  
"I didn't think I'd find you here."  
"Were you looking for me?"  
She shook her head.  
"I see."  
"I-" Yui said, then stopped. "I wanted to look for you, to see if you were in this world. And I didn't. I wanted it all to end. Everything. The nightmare."  
"Was it so bad?"  
"I suppose I was stupid," Yui said, not answering the other's question. "Miaka found all her seishi, so why shouldn't mine be in this world as well? I was stupid. I'm not usually that stupid. I just didn't want to admit it, that's all."  
"I don't hate you, Yui-sama."  
Yui shook her head. "Don't. Don't call me that."  
"You're still my miko."  
"NO!" The woman in the bed flinched, but there were tears in Yui's vision suddenly and everything was a yellow blur. "I'm not! It's over! I'm NOT Seiryuu no Miko anymore! _Do you understand?_"  
Another silence, more awkward than before, as her shout seemed to echo in her ears.  
"Come sit on the bed, Yui."  
She didn't argue, just blinked tears from her eyes, mechanically moved to the spot on the mattress where the skeletal hand patted, let herself sit.  
"I don't know when I first remembered," the soft voice said, slowly piercing through the fog of her brain like a searchlight. "I didn't have dreams or anything like I thought I would, but somewhere during my childhood I think I remembered everything. But it was a blur, images and bits and pieces, being able to speak a language I had never heard, and I thought I was going crazy. I told my parents, and they thought so too. They made me see a psychiatrist, but he attributed it to stress and told me to stay in the hospital for a few weeks. Then they brought me home."  
Yui said nothing.  
"I went to junior high and high school and in high school I got involved in drugs and the wrong crowd. I drank, I smoked. I slept around. I don't know why I did that. The old Soi-the old me, I wouldn't have done anything like that. But I guess each life is different. By the time that picture you saw in the kitchen was taken, I had already gotten pregnant twice, but I had abortions. I didn't want the responsibility. Even though it killed me inside to take the baby."  
"And then what did you do?" Yui whispered.  
"I finally ran away." The tone was matter-of-fact, telling a documentary of someone else's life. "I ran away and found a job in the city. I was a prostitute, a street-corner girl, hanging out at the bars and clubs in the big city, hoping to pick up someone so I could eat. For six years, I was miserable and lonely and homesick, but if I came home I knew my parents would never want me back."  
"Soi," Yui said, frowning. "Soi."  
A shake of red tresses, so slight it was almost non-existent. "When I found out I had AIDS, it was already too late. I should have known something was wrong when I started getting sick so easily, but it-I was stupid. So I did the only thing I could do-I came home. I found out my dad had died the year I left home, and my mother had been struggling to make money to pay for the house herself. She couldn't afford hospital bills for me, and I was too proud to go for help. So I suffered. I was stupid."  
Yui took one of the frail hands, meeting the gray eyes looking out from under fringed lashes. She was still as beautiful as Yui remembered, when she had given her final sacrifice to a weapon who had been meant for the one she loved.  
"I'm dying, Yui. You know? I'm dying again, and this time again it's for something stupid."  
"It's not stupid," Yui whispered. "It's not stupid."  
"At least in that other life I tried. In this one, I didn't even try. Not at all." There was self-punishment in the voice now. "So you're not stupid. Compared to me."  
"We all make mistakes," Yui said.  
The tired smile had a hint of wryness to it in the drawn face. "So we do."  
"Damn it, Soi, you're always right. As usual. I'm sorry."  
"For what?"  
Yui tried to smile. "Feeling sorry for myself."  
A shake of the head. "Don't be. You were used. I used you, Nakago used you-we all did, and nothing you did should be yours to blame."  
"I used to have nightmares, but they stopped. Now I just cry, and I don't know why."  
"Yui-sama. If it's anyone's fault, it should be ours, your seishi. Not yours."  
"I know," Yui said. "But I should have been stronger. Like you. I always admired you, you know. Because you were so strong. You loved someone who never could have loved you back, and yet you kept on loving. Suboshi loved me, and I pushed him away. Because I was scared." She looked into the gray eyes. "How do you know?"  
"Know what?"  
"If it's real or not. When to love and when to let go and how to be strong enough."  
"I don't," she said. "You guess and you hope. And when it's hopeless, you keep on hoping because you have nowhere else to go. Like me."  
"I dream about him sometimes-Suboshi."  
"I dream about Nakago. I saw him, you know."  
"Here?" Yui sat up. "Where? How?"  
"I didn't imagine you'd be so excited."  
"I just want to know…"  
"It was at a bar. He was dressed like a businessman, with a big briefcase and expensive suit, with that earring still in his ear. I suppose he has a lot of money now. Maybe he wanted a bit of fun that night. I don't know." Her voice was quiet, and the self-loathing was back. "I took him back with me…we made love. Or, at least I made love to him. I don't think he ever recognized me. To him it was nothing." She laughed. "As always."  
"I think he loved you."  
"It's too late for that now, Yui-sama. I'm dying, and it's too late. Yui, listen to me."  
Frail hands gripped hers with an intensity Yui hadn't even known the bony flesh could produce, gripped her hands until they hurt. "Don't let life pass you by, Yui. We make mistakes-but you can correct them. Even know. It's too late for me, but not too late for you. Don't give up."  
Yui closed her eyes. "I'm just a child in this world, Soi. I'm not-"  
"You're going to let that defeat you?" The voice was angry now. "You aren't the Yui I knew. The Yui I knew was intelligent, strong, decisive. That's why you were the Miko. Seiryuu chose _you._"  
"I was a mistake."  
"Gods," the gray eyes said, "do not make mistakes."  
"Soi-"  
"Nakago is out there. And if he is, then the others are there too. We're not the same people you knew, Yui. We never really knew you, and now I'll never have the chance to. Don't let second chances pass you by."  
"I need to go," Yui said, her words sounding banal in the wake of the other woman's.  
"I know."  
"I can't-I can't believe I found you. And I don't even have enough time to-"  
"That doesn't matter anymore. We all have second chances, Yui. I wasted mine. Don't waste yours."  
"I-"  
"I will always be your seishi. And you will always be my miko."

  


**

Go to bed  
Priests are dead  
Finally you've found him  
And you're allowed  
Who could ever say you're not simply wonderful  
Who could ever harm you  
Sleep now  
You're my little girl

**
**--Tori Amos, _Merman_**

  
Yui didn't have time to go the Rushette house again, and the weeds began to grow outside. She passed by every day on her way to work, but time was pressing. She had begun to take some English classes as well, and that took up most of her evenings. She had talked to Tetsuya a few times and had gone shopping with him once, but it was awkward and she had given up any hope of rekindling their relationship. It was all a matter of who would broach the subject first. She hoped it wasn't her.  
Soi had been right, as always. A second chance…and she was wasting it.  
The windows were still open when she passed the house, the windchimes tinkling in the breeze and the birdfeeder hanging from one treebranch, but all she could think of was a small room where the yellow light seemed to seep into the dark corners and a woman lay on the bed, long red hair like fine strands of copper.  
"The Rushette girl went to the hospital today," Will commented one night after dinner, when Yui was helping Barbara with the dishes. She almost dropped the mug she was washing.  
"She did?" she said, hoping to sound nonchalant.  
"Yup. Knew they couldn't keep her here long. Took her away in the ambulance this morning."  
"You knew about her?"  
Will snorted. "Everyone knows about her. Wasn't such a good girl. You should stay away from people like that, Yui. They'll do you no good."  
"Yes," Yui murmured, rinsing the mug and placing it into the drip tray with shaking hands.  
She went to work in the Rushette's lawn that weekend, pulling weeds and planting flowers. There was a creak of the back screen door and when Yui looked up, Mrs. Rushette was crossing the lawn with a soft drink in her hand.  
"You must be thirsty," she said when she reached Yui. Yui pushed away sweaty hair from her cheek, taking the drink gratefully.  
"Thank you, ma'am."  
Mrs. Rushette smiled, but her eyes were shadowed. "Don't worry, you won't have to do this much longer. I'm moving at the end of the month."  
Yui looked up at her, shocked, and for the first time the red and white For Sale sign in the yard caught her eye. "Moving?"  
"I think it's time for a change of scenery. A smaller house, maybe."  
Yui nodded. "What about your daughter, then?"  
Mrs. Rushette stood still for a moment, then she turned away. "Didn't you hear? She died yesterday."  
Time stopped again, and there was the sound of metal sliding into flesh and the fluttering of red hair in the wind, flower petals drifting and a haunted pair of shocked blue eyes and a small voice whispering.  
_My last gift to you, Nakago…aishiteru._

  


** Furuete kudasai  
Hitotsubu no teardrop  
Garasu no mune o toosetara  
Sore dake de ii  
Watashi no koeta kurushimi wa  
Iyasareru, ima**
** Please shiver  
Let one small teardrop  
Pass through your glass heart  
Only then will I  
Overcome my pain  
Heal me, now**
**--Fushigi Yuugi, _Fururete Kudasai_ (Soi)**

  



	4. Growth

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**IV. Growth**

**

Hold on to my hands, I feel like sinking  
Sinking without you  
And in the night I could be helpless  
I could be lonely, sleeping without you  
And in the day, everything's complex  
There's nothing simple  
When I'm not around you

**
**--The Cranberries, _When You're Gone_**

  
After Soi's death, the dreams began.  
At first it was just a voice, a voice Yui couldn't place and couldn't identify, calling out to her as she lay in that space between waking and sleep. And then the nightmares, running from something she couldn't see, seeing the glowing blue eyes ahead of her and feeling the heavy weight of the earring in her ear, running.  
But then sometimes there were the arms to catch her and hold her close and the voice to whisper: It's all right, Yui-sama. I'm here. Don't be afraid.  
And she would wake up feeling…almost happy.  
But the next night the nightmares would return.  
She talked to the Grants about the best time to go to New York and Europe, and they all agreed that Europe could wait. New York, however, said Barbara, was a must.  
"There's no city in the world quite like New York. You'll see."  
Yui planned the trip for the end of June, but ended up moving it to the next week, to the insistence of Barbara. She called Tetsuya. Was he interested in going to New York and staying for a day or two? He was. It was too late to reserve Broadway tickets, but there was still the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island and the Empire State Building. Will and Barbara took to reading travel catalogues to keep an eye on shows and performances in New York, just in case Yui would be interested.  
"The circus?" Will wondered one night. Yui shook her head. He laughed. "It's an American thing, I guess. I used to go just for the cotton candy."  
Barbara looked at him in mock-dismay. "Will! You can get cotton candy at amusement parks!"  
"I know."  
Yui frowned at them, confused.  
"How about this?" Barbara held up a large advertisement in the page of one magazine, showing what looked like the silhouette of a young man playing the violin and another playing a flute. " 'Solo concert of some of the New York Philharmonic's finest.' Do you like music?"  
Yui nodded. "Is it next week?"  
Barbara beamed. "Sure is! Here," she handed the magazine to Yui. "Take a look. I think you'll find it interesting. The New York Philharmonic has some great players."  
Yui took the magazine, hands slipping on the glossy pages. " 'Music greats Robert Yuuki and Jeff Cotorro joint concert,' " the ad read, following with glowing reviews of both musicians' accomplishments and performances. " 'Tickets still available,' " she read. " 'Call today.' "  
"What do you think?" said Barbara.  
"Well-"  
"It's a good way to experience American culture. In New York you have these solo performances all the time. They're wonderful!"  
"I suppose," said Yui. "I'll give them a call."  
She was surprised to learn that there were quite a number of seats still available, despite the fact that the concert was next week. Clearly, these two musicians were not as well known as the page had described. She sighed and ordered two tickets anyway, for a price that was much higher than the tickets were really worth, paying with the credit card Andy had gotten her especially for this trip. He'd said he'd pay the bill for her, and of course, she didn't mind. It wasn't everyone who could have a famous movie star paying their credit card bill.  
Having ordered the tickets, Yui proceeded to call Tetsuya to tell him that she had just booked them for a concert. As she had expected, he complained. What, he argued, was the point of going to a concert on vacation? There were plenty of concerts in Japan, and besides, he didn't like classical music. Why couldn't they go see some American bands?  
Yui patiently listened to him ramble on about American music as opposed to jrock, and then proceeded to inform him that they were still going. Then she hung up.  
It was more trouble than the relationship was worth. She wondered why she kept trying.  
That night, the nightmares came again but the whispering, soft, comforting voice chased them away, warm arms holding her, rocking her in her sleep, murmuring words in her ear.  
_Yui-sama. It's all right, Yui-sama. I'm here._

  


** Aunque soy pobre  
Todo esto que te doy  
Vale más que el dinero  
Porque sí es amor  
Y cuando al fin  
Estemos juntos los dos**
** Although I am poor  
All I have I give to you  
It is worth more than money  
Because it truly is love  
And when the end comes  
The two of us will be together**
**--Selena, _Amor Prohibido_**

  
The train tickets to New York from Philadelphia weren't terribly expensive for two, round trip. Yui had planned to stay two days in New York, but somehow Tetsuya persuaded her to make it three. She wasn't sure why she agreed with him, but she made it three.  
The ride there was uneventful. The awkward silence between her and Tetsuya was interesting. He closed his eyes and pretended to go to sleep; she stared out the window, the glossy musician's magazine rolled up in her sweaty hands. Tetsuya had tried to hold her hand when they first boarded the train, but she had slipped her fingers out of his. She had never let him hold her hand in public, even when they were living together in Japan. It was too…private, and she had never felt comfortable doing something like that with Tetsuya. With someone else, maybe, but Tetsuya was just wrong for that kind of thing.  
She didn't know why.  
Countryside flashed past the windows: cows grazing, farmsteads and quaint New England farmhouses. Miles and miles of farmland. Beside her, Tetsuya's breathing evened out, indicating he was really and truly asleep.  
She looked over at him, his eyes hidden by the ridiculous sunglasses, his hair mussed from the train seat. His feet propped up on the bright yellow backpack he had insisted on bringing. There had been a time when she thought she had loved him, that he was the one with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. Tetsuya and Yui, Miaka had teased. Nuriko called them "cute." Andy had watched them with a wry grin. Keisuke affected not to notice.  
Had she grown tired of him? Had it all been a game after all? She had thought it was love, had thought for two years, and then suddenly her world had become even more confusing than before. Maybe it was true that she could never love, that love wasn't destined for her.  
Tetsuya snored softly, and Yui reached out, stroking back the bangs of his hair lightly from his forehead. She felt nothing.  
The train chugged on and the sky turned cloudy and gray and the first drops of rain began to fall. As she closed the window, Yui couldn't help hoping it wasn't raining in Philadelphia. Will had wanted to plant some flowers today. He had promised to save some for her when she returned from New York, and they could plant them together.  
The clicking of the wheels across the tracks was hypnotic, forever turning wheels. She could feel it through the armrest of her chair, through the soles of her feet, a steady rhythm like a heartbeat.  
She imagined a burning symbol in front of her, "kokoro," bright and clear and blue like his eyes. He stared at her with calm indifference, as he always did.  
_What would you do now, Nakago? If I told you Soi was dead?  
Yui-sama._  
Yui blinked and the vision of him faded and there was only the clicking of the train wheels and the dull roar of the engines.  
She closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come.

  


**

Oh hast thou forgotten how long we must sever?  
Oh hast thou forgotten how long we must part?  
It may be for years, it may be forever  
Then why art thou silent,  
Thou voice of my heart?

**
**--_Kathleen Mavourneen_, Irish folk tune**

  
Someone was shaking her, talking in her ear. She turned her head, muttering, but the hands were still there.  
"Yui, wake up. We're at the train station."  
Yui mumbled and opened her eyes, squinting. "Wha-what?"  
Tetsuya's face was in her vision. He had discarded the sunglasses and his eyes peered quizzically at her. "Yui? Are you awake?"  
"Yes…" She uncurled and stood, stretching. There was a crick in her neck. "Gods. What a horrible way to sleep."  
Tetsuya stared at her.  
"What?"  
"You said 'gods.' Are you all right?"  
She blinked. "Well, there are four gods. Is that bad to say?"  
He shook his head and sighed, hoisting his backpack up on one shoulder. "Never mind."  
Yui grabbed her small duffel bag from the floor, glancing around the train. There were masses of passengers in the aisles looking as she imagined she looked: bleary eyed, mussed hair, sleep-deprived. Tetsuya didn't look much better.  
Stumbling off the train, they hailed a passing cab and stuffed their baggage in the back. "Where's this hotel again?" queried Tetsuya.  
Yui dug through her purse for the notebook in which she had written their itenerary. "I think it's by Broadway. The Howard Johnson something?"  
The Howard Johnson hotel turned out to be a slightly rundown, multi-story building right on Broadway. The taxi driver wove and leaped through the static New York traffic, and Yui made up her mind that New York taxi drivers were the only people in the world who were worse drivers than Tetsuya.  
She'd only reserved one room for them, but it had two beds, so it was all right. The room smelled like someone had gotten high on a bottle of cleaner and then forgot to stop spraying. She wrinkled her nose.  
"Tetsuya, can you open the window? Is there a latch?"  
He dropped his bags on the floor and walked over to fiddle with the large window. "I think there's a balcony or something. Want me to open the door to let some air in?"  
"Would you please?"  
Yui dragged her bags over to the second bed and placed them on the floor by the wall, stretching out on the comforter and watching the brown and off-white spots on the ceiling. There was a creak as Tetsuya managed to open the door a crack. A cool breeze wafted into the room, accompanied by car horns and shouts and squealing tires.  
"Yui."  
Tetsuya was standing very still by the window, his form silhouetted against the glaring daylight.  
"Yes?" She sat up. She already knew the question.  
"You don't love me anymore…do you?"  
She let a breath of air escape her, feeling it deflate her as it left her body like a cloud of spirit that had been sustaining her until this very moment when Tetsuya asked his question and she had to answer him.  
"I…I don't know."  
"You don't know," Tetsuya said flatly. He still didn't move from the window. "Yui, this has been going on for months now, and I want an answer. You don't return my calls, hardly speak a word to me on the plane, ignore me when we get to America. I-"  
"It's not that I hate you."  
He gave a bitter laugh. "That's good to hear."  
"I-" This wasn't going anywhere. "Tetsuya."  
"What?" He sounded resigned.  
"I thought…I thought I loved you. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. I don't think I even know what love is anymore…maybe I never did."  
"Yui, that's not an answer."  
She threw herself back down on the bed, away from him, staring at the digital numbers on the clock on the bedstand. Her eyes were dry.  
"I don't love you. If that's what you want. I don't know if I ever did."  
Tetsuya didn't move from the window but she could hear his foot kicking the glass. Kick. Kick. Kick. The silence was deafening.  
"Tetsuya..say something?"  
"What do you want me to say? 'I'm giving up, this won't work anyway?' Is that what you want me to say?"  
She didn't answer.  
The thunk of a fist hitting glass. The door shook.  
"Damn it."  
"Tetsuya, I'm sorry."  
A hollow laugh. "Well, so am I. For letting this all happen in the first place. It was two years, you know, Yui? Two years!"  
"I thought I loved you. Really, I did. Except…" she trailed off.  
_Except it didn't work out that way, did it, Suboshi?_  
She blinked. Suboshi?  
"What do you want, Yui?"  
A long pause. "What…what do you mean?"  
"I want to know what you want. From me. From a relationship. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Was it-"  
Yui pushed herself up from the bed, sitting, not looking at him. "It wasn't you. I think…I think it was me. I think I found out that I'd been doing it all wrong."  
"Yui-"  
"I was trying to look for someone that wasn't there. I thought maybe if I looked and tried hard enough it would work out…but it doesn't work like that. Tamahome and Miaka both tried to tell me and I wouldn't listen. I've been so stupid, you know?"  
"It doesn't matter," Tetsuya said.  
"It does. Tetsuya!" He was starting to turn away from her, to cross to the other side of the room. "Hear me out! I thought I loved you and I tried to love you. But it just didn't work out that way. Some things don't. You know?"  
"Well I wish you hadn't tried then! Just because you were Seiryuu no Miko, do you think you can do anything you-"  
"Tetsuya, it's not like-"  
"-can do any damn thing you like and expect to-"  
"-that! You're not listening to-"  
"-get away with it!"  
Yui gritted her teeth. "Tetsuya! SHUT UP!"  
He stared at her with empty eyes.  
"You're not listening to me!"  
"You just broke up with me! What the hell am I supposed to-"  
"Tetsuya, don't tell me you don't feel the same way."  
Silence. Yui took a deep breath, plunging on. "I've noticed you drawing back too. It's not the same as it used to be. You were giving up, weren't you?"  
Tetsuya stared at her for a moment, then hung his head. "I thought," he said quietly, "that maybe you wouldn't notice."  
"I see," she said quietly.  
"I didn't know what was wrong…I thought it was something I did. So I thought if I could just hold it together and patch it up it would be all right. But I suppose I was wrong."  
"You were. It doesn't work like that."  
"I guess not."  
There was a brief silence then. Outside, tires squealed and something crashed. Tetsuya winced.  
"That sounded bad."  
"Yes."  
"Yui…" She looked up at him. "What do you want, then? If it isn't me? I think I can accept that, but I don't want you to go on like this."  
"What do I want?"  
"Tell me."  
"I just want this nightmare to end. That's all."  
_Isn't that right, Suboshi?_  
"I just want it all to end."

  


**

I want to run I want to hide  
I want to tear down the walls  
That hold me inside  
I want to reach out and touch the flame  
Where the streets have no name

**

I want to feel sunlight on my face  
I see the dust cloud disappear without a trace  
I want to take shelter from the poison rain  
Where the streets have no name

**--U2, _Where the Streets Have no Name_**

  
They arrived at the concert early that afternoon, sitting in awkward silence inside the taxi. Tetsuya offered his arm to her and she took it, but she could feel the unnatural tension in his muscles as he escorted her up to their theatre seats. The air inside the theatre was dank and a little musty. The darkness reminded her of Seiryuu's shrine in Kutou.  
She shuddered.  
"Yui?"  
"It's nothing. Just remembering."  
She flipped through the program idly. There were not many people there, and she didn't expect many, seeing as there still had been tickets available for this last week. New performers, maybe? She scanned the pages, hoping to find something about Robert Yuuki and Jeff Cotorro. They were the focus of the concert, after all.  
Pages of advertisements…information on orchestra members…  
"Jeff Cotorro performs Debussy's Syrinx and other classical favorites," the text read at the top in large bold letters. Below that was a picture in black and white of a young man dressed in a tuxedo and cradling a silver flute in his hands, smiling slightly with shy eyes.  
Yui grasped the pages, trying to stifle the terrible beating of her heart in her chest. No, it couldn't be. It couldn't…he couldn't be here.  
_Suboshi!_  
Gods, oh gods.  
No, it wasn't him. There were little things wrong with the face and the posture and the smile, just slight things, but as she stared she knew it wasn't him. She didn't quite know why her heart plummeted in her chest, didn't know why that feeling of disappointment rising in her threatened to bring her to tears.  
She seemed to be crying a lot lately.  
"Tetsuya?"  
"Nani?" He sounded half-dead, but she reached over and tugged at his sleeve slightly, pointing to the photo. If it wasn't Suboshi, then…  
"Look at this."  
"Jeff Cotorro," he read. "Some boring classical flutist. Why am I here again?"  
"No no no! LOOK!" She brought the picture up to his nose and he yelped.  
"Yui, what-"  
He blinked.  
"Wait a moment…He looks familiar."  
"He is." She craned her neck towards the stage, trying to maybe catch a glimpse of the two soloists, but they were nowhere in sight. Turning back to an ashen-faced Tetsuya.  
"I think he's Amiboshi."

  


** Siento que estuve un viaje y que vengo de lejos  
Tanto espere este momento  
Y no se si fue obra de Dios o fue mi voluntad**

A la deriva entre olas que  
Vienen y van como sueños mil  
Puedo traer de regreso a mi las memorias  
Que tengo guardadas muy dentro

** I feel like I've been on a long journey  
Like I have been hoping for this moment  
And I don't know if it was the will of God or my own volition**

Between the waves  
That come and go like a thousand dreams  
I can try to recall my memories  
Which I have so closely guarded

**--Parasite Eve, _Somnia Memorias_**

  
When Jeff Cotorro finally came out on stage after Robert Yuuki's too long concerto, Yui was standing up in her seat, trying to see his face and cursing herself for not buying better seats. The stage lights glinted on his blond hair as he moved about and bowed courteously to the audience. There were more people than Yui had expected there and she had to strain to see over the heads in the seats front of her.  
She expected the orchestra to go into the introduction of some concerto or sonata, but instead, the stage lights dimmed until only a soft blue spotlight was shining on the flutist, as he raised his flute to his lips and began to play.  
The wild melody swept out into the theatre and pounded in Yui's ears…she had heard it. She had heard that melody before, somewhere. The haunting notes drifted in the darkness of the room and the beauty and the sadness and the loneliness of the notes brought tears to her eyes.  
_Aniki. They killed my aniki! You can't possibly know how I feel!  
You can cry…you can cry as much as you want.  
Suboshi._  
The rest of the concert was a blur. Tetsuya's hand tapping her impatiently on the shoulder alerted her to the fact that they concert was over, that the performers were giving bows on stage, and that the audience was leaving.  
"Come on, Yui, let's go."  
"No…no…hold on."  
"What?"  
She brushed past him, heading down towards the stage area.  
"Hey! Yui! Where are you going? You can't go there! That's restricted!"  
The stage had steps leading up to it and she put on foot in front of the other, walking as if in a dream. Up the steps, to the backstage curtains. She had one hand on the flap when suddenly a burly security guard appeared in front of her.  
"Excuse me, miss? You're not allowed here. This is a restricted area."  
"I need to see Jeff Cotorro, sir."  
The security guard frowned at her, his face growing stern. "Now look here, miss, I'm not against fans of his, but-"  
"Sir, could you please take me to him?"  
The guard backed up and looked her up and down. "You an acquaintance of his?"  
"He knows me."  
Yui could tell the guard didn't believe her, but it was as if her body was not her own and she was walking through thick water or glass, watching events unfold behind a screen. Not her. Not Hongou Yui. Someone else in her body, someone she didn't know…  
"All right, you don't look like the type to make a fuss over something like this. I'll take you to him, but-" a warning look, "if you don't know you, I'm reporting you."  
"Yes, sir. Thank you."  
The guard snorted as he raised the curtain and let her pass through the door. "Don't thank me, young lady. I'm just doing my job."  
Backstage was disorderly and dirty, not all like the elegant theatre on the other side of the walls. Yui picked her way through discarded hangers and cardboard boxes, being careful not to trip on the bits of wire and rolls of tape that seemed to be lying around. Shoes, dresses, slacks, and other clothing items lay scattered about.  
There was noise coming from behind one of the partitions, and the guard motioned for Yui to stop.  
"Mr. Cotorro?"  
A pause. "Yes?" Yui flinched at the voice. Smooth, cultured, so like and unlike. Her heart clenched.  
"There's a guest here to see you."  
"A guest?" The puzzled tone came clearly through. There was a sound of something crashing, and a muffled curse. "What guest?"  
The guard turned a glare on Yui, but she simply stood there and with a sigh he turned back. "Could we come in, sir?"  
"Of course."  
The guard motioned her to stop as he went on ahead a few steps to peer in through the curtain that separated the two rooms, then motioned her forward. She took several cautious steps until she was at the partition, stopped, lifted the curtain.  
Clear gray-blue eyes met hers. He was dressed in a pair of athletic pants and an old t-shirt, lacing up his tennis shoes on the bench. He straightened. She waited, frozen.  
Jeff Cotorro blinked once, twice. Then an astonished look passed over his face and he stood slowly, holding out his hand.  
"Yui-sama…?"

  


**

And when you come and all the roses falling  
If I am dead, as dead I well may be  
You'll come and find the place where I am lying  
And kneel and say an ave there for me

**

And I shall hear, though soft you tread above me  
And on my grave will warmer sweeter be  
For you will kneel and tell me that you love me  
And I will sleep in peace until you come to me

**--_Danny Boy_, Irish folk tune**

  
"I wasn't sure you would remember me. We hardly met."  
Jeff's beat up convertible sped on down the road, freed from New York inner city traffic. Lighted houses raced by and Yui's hair blew into her mouth. She spit it out, trying to hold it back with her hand. Jeff handled the car with ease and it lept into his touch like a well-trained mare. Yui relaxed in the seat. It had been a long time since she had been in a car with a responsible driver.  
"How could I not remember you, Seiryuu no Miko?"  
"Don't call me that."  
She had left Tetsuya standing outside with the taxi, telling him she'd be back at the hotel later and not to worry, she had a key. He looked as if he had wanted to say something but she had turned away, not wanting to hear it.  
"You never knew me as a seishi, but we met."  
"Yes…" she thought back to the times she had talked to the flute-playing boy in the garden, never thinking that he had such an important part to play in the unfolding drama. But then again she hadn't thought that anyone had an important part to play but herself.  
She had been stupid.  
"I never thought I would see you here, Yui."  
"I'm in America on a summer travel scholarship." She smiled wryly. "I never thought I'd see you here, either."  
"How did you know it was me?"  
"I saw your picture in the program. I recognized you right away…"  
Jeff's eyes widened. "As a reincarnated seishi? Are you psychic or something?"  
She laughed, then sobered. "Hardly. I wouldn't have believed it before, but I saw Soi…"  
"Really?" He looked astonished. "Where?"  
"In Philadelphia…she's dead now…" She turned away from him, looking out at the passing scenery. "I couldn't save her…"  
"Dead?" There was a shocked silence. "Sweet Seiryuu…What will Nakago say?"  
"I haven't found Nakago yet. You're the second. But if you are here, and Soi is here…"  
"We must all be here," Jeff said, catching her train of thought. "I don't know what to think of that. I hardly knew some of them. I was gone too quickly. I never even knew you."  
"No one knew me," Yui said. "Except maybe Suboshi and Nakago."  
Jeff's lip twisted. "Nakago. The bastard." His hand trembled on the wheel and Yui watched him, concerned.  
"Are you all right?"  
"I can't forgive him. For what he did to my brother."  
Yui's heart lept. "Suboshi? Do you know where he is?"  
"I wish," Jeff said, a tinge of bitterness in his voice. "But no, I'm an only child."  
"Oh." She sat back in her seat, disappointment tugging at her. "Where are you from?"  
"My mother was Irish and my father was Spanish…thus my strange first and last name combination. I moved to the States when I was three, from England. That was when I got my first flute." He laughed softly. "It was the flute that made me able to remember. It's kind of funny…I've been playing the flute my whole life, but it was only recently that I gained my seishi memories back." He looked uncertainly at her. "Is that how it's supposed to work?"  
Yui shook her head. "I don't know."  
They turned down a narrow side street. Above the moon was a slim crescent in the sky, barely visible between banks of clouds. Streetlights zigzagged across the seats. Jeff's hands gripped the steering wheel. Jeff. Amiboshi. The seishi she never knew. Strange that she could talk to him so easily and he to her.  
She wondered if that was the key. Strangers were easier to talk to. There was none of the guilt, the pain, the flash of something gone wrong in times long past for which there was no atonement.  
"Yui?" Jeff sounded hesitant. "My brother…he was in love with you. Wasn't he?"  
Yui winced. "I don't know."  
Jeff frowned at her. "What do you mean?"  
The wind blew her hair into her eyes again and she brushed it away. "I don't know if he was in love with me. It might have been just teenage infatuation. I think it was. Suboshi…was very impulsive."  
"He was," Jeff agreed, hitting the gas even more. "I sometimes wonder where he is now. If he remembers me. We're not brothers now...I'm an only child. I wish I could see him again."  
"He cared for you."  
The wind whistled past and then faded as Jeff stopped for a red light. "I know it…damn, I didn't mean to leave him like that. I tried to tell him, when I saw him again, but it was too late, and Miaka was there and there wasn't any time…"  
"I think he understood," Yui said quietly. "He told me he brought you back to your village."  
"To this day I don't understand why." Jeff's face was silhouetted by the crimson light, black and shadowed red. "I thought he loved me. I thought he wanted me to stay with him, and then he shoved me away. For you." He laughed softly. "You don't know how jealous I felt in that moment, when he told me he loved you."  
"He told you?" Yui blinked at him.  
"You didn't know?"  
"No…"  
"Well, he did. When I asked him to go back with me he told me he loved you. In that moment it was like my world shattered…I couldn't understand. I thought he wanted only me…that he didn't need anyone else. I guess it never occurred to me that he was growing up. In my mind…well, in my mind he was always a five year old kid who needed his niichan to look after him."  
"He grew up," Yui said. "I think he grew up very quickly after you left him."  
"I didn't mean to leave him." Jeff turned onto another side street and the houses were left behind. The moon shone brightly and they coasted to the top of a small hill where he slowed and stopped the car. Yui looked at him.  
"Was this where we were going?"  
"Yeah…I like to come here and think sometimes. Just to get away from it all. There was a lake in the Kutou palace gardens that I liked to go to…this kind of reminds me of it. So close to the moon."  
"Yes," murmured Yui. She stared up at the sky, chin in one hand. "I remember that lake."  
"Yui?"  
"What?"  
"Do you miss it?"  
She turned to look at him then, frowning. "Miss it?"  
"I don't mean the fighting. Just the sitting and thinking. Between the times…I know none of us had the best relationship but we got along. Mostly."  
She didn't reply, turning back to stare at the sky. Miss it? She couldn't think of a time when she had not been frustrated and worried and angry in one. Miaka…she had thought it was all Miaka's fault, when in actuality it was her own. When she could not forgive.  
"No…I don't miss it."  
Jeff looked strangely at her but did not comment. Amiboshi had been like that. He would never pry. She had liked Amiboshi, even when she didn't know who he was. Or was it because she had never known who he was?  
"Amiboshi?"  
"Nani?"  
There was a long silent moment in which they stared at each other, and then Jeff began to laugh.  
"I suppose I remember more than I thought."  
"Amiboshi, I'm sorry."  
He looked puzzled. "Sorry? For what?"  
"For…making trouble for you. If I hadn't been…like I had, you wouldn't have gone to Konan. And-"  
Jeff shook his head. "No. It wasn't you. I didn't do it for you, really, as bad as that sounds. Or Nakago. Or anyone else. I did it for my brother. Everything I did was for Shun, you know. I realize that now. I'd do anything to make him happy."  
_Suboshi._  
"I guess we should be heading back now, huh?" Jeff started up the car again. "Your boyfriend must be worried."  
"He's not my boyfriend," said Yui.  
"Oh, really?"  
"We broke up…a while ago." No need for him to know the whole truth. "It was a mistake. It wasn't him I wanted."  
But if not him, then who?  
"I see," Jeff said politely, though it was clear his mind was elsewhere. They turned onto a main street again. The streetlights sparkled on the dashboard.  
"Yui-sama."  
"What is it, Amiboshi?"  
"Can you-" He broke off. He seemed to struggle with the words for a moment. "Yui-sama, can you promise me something?"  
"I-"  
"Promise me you'll find my brother."  
One of the hands that was so quick on the wheel clasped hers. It was warm and the palm was a little calloused. A trusting hand. An artist's hand.  
"I can't promise that, Amiboshi…"  
"Promise me…you'll take care of him. Please." The gaze was pleading. "I need to know he's all right. I left him once, and I won't leave him again."  
_Aniki…they killed my aniki!_  
"Please, Yui-sama."  
"Amiboshi."  
_Yui-sama, I love you._

  


** Koko e oide yo kanashii koto mo   
Namida mo boku ga daite ageru yo   
Subete no itami o wasurerareru made  
Oyasumi oyasumi boku no kono mune de**
** Come here, I'll hold your sadness  
I'll embrace even your tears  
Until you can forget all your pain   
Goodnight goodnight against my heart **
**--Fushigi Yuugi, _Nocturne_ (Amiboshi)**

  



	5. Weakness

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**V. Weakness**

** Papillon éphémère  
Aux ailes de verre  
Prisonnière du fil de vos secrets**

Papillon qui espère  
Juste un peu de lumière  
Pour sécher ses couleurs  
Au feu de vos désirs

** Ephemeral butterfly  
With wings of glass  
Prisoner in hidden threads**

Butterfly hoping  
For just a little light  
Instead of drying out the colors  
To the fire of your desires

**--Celine Dion, _Papillon_**

  
Jeff gave Yui his phone number, if she ever needed to call him. "If you need anything at all. This is my cell number. But I share an apartment with the bassoonist and he likes to go to sleep early, so don't call too late."  
Yui thanked him for the ride, watching his car disappear down the street into the darkness and glittering lights of the New York night. It was late. She looked at her watch. Past midnight. She hoped Tetsuya was not awake.  
Fumbling in her purse for her key, she took the elevator up to the sixth floor. The key slid in easily and the green light blinked. She turned the handle quietly.  
The room was dark and the curtains drawn. In the bed by the door she could make out a lump in between the covers. Good, he was asleep.  
"Yui?"  
Maybe not.  
"I'm home," she said quietly, dropping her purse on a chair. "Can I turn on the light?"  
"Sure." He didn't sound sleepy at all.  
"Were you waiting for me to come back?"  
Tetsuya turned over. "Something like that." Another light came on and she saw he was sitting up, his hair tousled and clothes rumpled, but his eyes were clear. "Yui…exactly what was going on tonight. Amiboshi?"  
"He is Amiboshi. Jeff Cotorro."  
Tetsuya blinked at her. "No way. Amiboshi? Your seishi?"  
"I don't suppose you know any other Amiboshi's out there."  
"Well you didn't seem too concerned that you have a reincarnated seishi running around all of a sudden."  
"If Miaka can have reincarnated shichi seishi, why can't I?" she said, feeling slightly defensive.  
Tetsuya made a face. "Good lord. That means there are more of them out there…"  
"I found Soi." She was really in no mood to discuss her seishi with Tetsuya tonight, and she needed a shower.  
"Soi?" The distate in Tetsuya's voice was audible.  
"Yes, Soi," Yui flung back. "And you know what, Tetsuya? She's dead now. She died of AIDS last week. You knew her less than I did, and yet you're judging her?"  
"No offense, Yui, but you seishi were a bunch of bast-"  
"So maybe they were! And what of it? Don't they deserve a second chance?" She glared at Tetsuya, who glared back. "You've no right to judge my seishi!"  
"And you do?"  
"Did you hear me judging them?"  
"Look, Yui, I just don't want you to get hurt-"  
"You're not my guardian! I can take care of myself!"  
"You didn't do so well in the book," Tetsuya sneered.  
Yui seethed. "I don't have to take this. You know nothing…NOTHING! about what happened when I was there, so don't even start talking about things you don't know!"  
"All right then, miss high-and-mighty! If you know so much then why don't you get out of my face?"  
"Fine!"  
"Fine!"  
Yui stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, barely noticing the hot tears dropping from her eyes and rolling onto her cheeks, dripping onto the cold floor tiles. Her knees felt weak and she crumpled onto the floor towel, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.  
She didn't know this Tetsuya. It was all wrong.  
She wasn't going to apologize. Tetsuya had been the one ridiculing her seishi. If he wanted to make up, he could come and apologize to her.  
_Stubborn miko_, said a voice inside her mind.  
_Shut up!_  
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Yui quickly threw off her clothes and climbed into the tub, scrubbing herself clean and washing her face. When she emerged outside, the hotel room was dark once more and Tetsuya's deep, even breathing was audible from his side of the room.  
Was he truly asleep? She didn't want to find out, and frankly didn't care. Climbing into bed, she stared at the shadowy ceiling, listening to the New York traffic and imagining faces in the darkness. Nakago handing her his earring. Amiboshi playing his flute. Tomo's painted features out of the shadows. Soi, casting a sideways glance at her. Suboshi.  
She had given him her ribbon from her school uniform. She still had the ribbon in her possession, locked away in a little chest of precious momentoes that she kept in her room. The ribbon was stained with blood…his blood.  
Miaka had said he had died saying two things…her name, and his aniki's.  
Jeff had said Suboshi loved her. She thought back to him jumping in front of her to save her from a perceived threat from Miaka. Chasing Tamahome because she had told him to. Because she had wanted her petty revenge against people who had never hurt her at all, and Suboshi had died because of it. Because of her orders. Because he would do anything or her, and she used him.  
_I killed you, Suboshi._  
The hot tears dripped down the sides of her cheeks and into her ears, but she muffled her sobs in the pillow, just in case Tetsuya was still awake. Soi was dead…what if Suboshi was also dead?  
She didn't know why she cared so much, why the images of her dead seishi were filling her mind at this moment. Why the boy with the straw-blond hair was gazing at her with such solemnity and truth in his blue eyes.  
_What did I do wrong? Suboshi, what did I do wrong?  
Everything will be all right, Yui-sama. I'm here…_  
But he wasn't. _I killed him. I killed him, and it's all my fault._  
_I love you, Yui-sama._  
He hadn't loved her. It was an infatuation, that was all. A teenage crush, like she had gotten on Tetsuya and mistaken for the real thing. It was too late for her, for everything…too late.  
Too late for love.

  


** Vite, je tombe  
Est-ce que tu seras en bas  
Est-ce que tu m'attendras  
Pour m'emmener là où je ne sais pas  
Pour me ramener vers toi?  
Vite, je tombe**
** Hurry, I'm falling  
Will you be down below  
Will you pick me up  
To show me the way I'm seeking  
To bring me back to you?  
Hurry, I'm falling**
**--Patrick Bruel, _J'te Mentirais_**

  
She felt wrong when she woke, like something was missing. The sun was shining through the half-open curtains of the big window by her bed, and the familiar sound of New York traffic assailed her ears.  
"Tetsuya?"  
There was no answer. Was he still asleep? Yui forced her groggy eyes open, blinking. The ceiling came into focus and she rolled over, expecting to see his black hair spread over the pillow and him curled up in the white sheets.  
The bed was empty.  
She sat up, frowning, rubbing the last of the sleep out of her eyes. "Tetsuya?"  
into the main room, she noticed that his toothpaste and toothbrush were missing. The suitcase rack by the door, which had held his suitcase and backpack yesterday, was empty.  
"Tetsuya!"  
She jerked open the door, yelling into the quiet hallway. No one answered.  
Panic rose in her chest. He couldn't have left her here by herself. She had their train tickets in her purse, and…  
A piece of torn paper by the TV caught her attention, and she crossed over, snatching it up. It was a mess of scribbled kanji and hirigana, a very short note.

_Yui,_

It looks like me staying here just won't work. I've gone home early. Have fun by yourself in New York.

Tetsuya

She stood there for a moment, the note in her hand, uncomprehending. He…had left her? Alone? Without saying goodbye? Yes, they had fought, but they'd gone through worse fights before and had come out fine.  
"Damn it," she whispered, but there was no real emotion behind the words. They had fought, and this was the end. He'd made it final.  
Throwing on shorts and a t-shirt, she grabbed her purse and dashed out the door. Maybe…maybe he hadn't left New York yet. It was still early after all. She looked at her watch. Eight AM. Maybe he had just left…if she hurried, maybe she could still catch him at the subway or train station.  
Tetsuya…Tetsuya…please be there. Please don't have left yet. Please.  
Hailing a passing cab, she passed a handful of dollar bills to the driver, who tore off in the direction of the train station. For once, Yui paid no attention to the swerving and sudden stops, keeping her eyes on the second hand of her watch. There was a train to Philadelphia that left at eight thirty…maybe he would take that one. That would put him still at the station.  
The taxi screeched to a halt outside the station and Yui thrust another handful of bills to the driver, not even looking to see how much it was. The train station was a mass of people, even this early in the morning, and she thrust her way through the crowds, all politeness gone.  
"Tetsuya? Tetsuya?"  
She looked for a black head, a pair of sunglasses, a red jacket. Nothing. Women and men strolled past, stood waiting for their tickets, pushed past to the escalators. She wormed her way past a crowd of talking businessmen, looking for time sheets. The train to Philadelphia was leaving from a station to the left. If she hurried…  
"Hey! Where do you think you're going?"  
A hand grabbed her sleeve and held her, and Yui stared helplessly back at a tall American man who was looking at her with angry eyes.  
"You just stepped on my shoes!"  
Looking down, she saw a large black mark in the tops of one of the man's tan leather shoes. "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm in a hurry and-"  
"We're all in a hurry! You better pay for this! These are new!"  
Yui swallowed. "Sir, I-"  
"Is there a problem here?"  
The voice was smooth and slightly commanding, with an accent she couldn't place. She tried to turn around to see who was speaking, but the man's hand held her sleeve tight.  
"This bitch stepped on my shoes!"  
"Would you like me to pay for them?"  
The man blinked, obviously off-guard. Finally, he growled, "As long as I get compensated. These were brand new."  
A rustle as something was pulled out a coat pocket. The sound of a check being torn off. "I hope this is quite enough."  
The man looked at the check, and after a few half-hearted grumbles he released Yui's sleeve with a slight push. She fell to her hands and knees to the cold floor, gasping for air. It had been like that…only worse, that first time in Kutou when the men had come, grabbing her clothing. Her head spun, and she felt numb.  
"Are you all right, miss?"  
She didn't respond for a few moments, then managed a frantic nodding. A hand came down in front of her, open, offering. "Let me help you up."  
She blinked, then looked up. A pair of blue eyes stared back at her out of a smiling and slightly concerned face. Blond hair cut short. Expensive business suit.  
Blue eyes.  
Slightly dazed, she let him pull her to her feet. He was tall, taller than her by a foot at least. He had on a silk tie and his briefcase was of fine leather. In one ear he wore a small earring.  
Yui gasped.  
_Nakago!_  
The features were not exactly as she remembered them, but there was no mistaking the confident air, the almost arrogant voice. She stared at him.  
The stranger frowned. "Did he hurt you, miss?"  
Deep, commanding voice. She drew in another deep gulp of air. "N-no. I'm fine."  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
By then they were drawing a small crowd, and she stood, frozen, unable to answer. A warm hand touched her elbow. "Here, come with me. I'm sure you don't want all these people staring at you."  
Yui shook her head, and the man steered her towards a small gap in the mass of people. "Excuse me. Pardon me." The crowd opened up in front of him like parting water, and before long they were past the mass of people by the ticket sales stands. There was a small lounge area in one corner, and he motioned for her to sit down.  
"I'm sorry. I didn't introduce myself." He held out one hand. "I'm Stephan BeauSeigneur. And you are…?"  
French. His accent was French. "Yui. Yui Hongou."  
A fleeting look of confusion passed across his face as he shook her hand, and then his features smoothed once more. "I'm glad to meet you, Yui."  
"I'm-I'm sorry to have caused you trouble…"  
"Think nothing of it," he replied smoothly, setting his briefcase to the floor and taking a seat beside her. I'm glad to be of help."  
Yui cast him a sideways glance. He was glad to be of help? That did not sound like Nakago.  
"Have you seen a Japanese boy…black haired, sunglasses? Tall?"  
"There are many in this airport, Miss Hongou."  
She sighed. "That's all right. I suppose he's gone now…"  
"What's wrong?"  
No matter if Nakago had changed. She wasn't going to tell him her personal problems. "Nothing. I was just hoping he would be here, that's all."  
"I see."  
Was it possible that he hadn't regained his memories at all? Soi had…and Amiboshi - Jeff - had, but perhaps Nakago had not. Or maybe Stephan BeauSeigneur wasn't Nakago after all.  
His lip quirked. "Why do you keep staring at me like this?"  
Yui flushed. "I'm sorry, sir. I just keep thinking you look like someone I knew a long time ago."  
"Funny," he murmured. "So do I. You look familiar."  
He was definitely Nakago. But…he didn't remember? I knew you in a past life. No, he'd think she was crazy. Instead, she got up from the bench. Her legs were much steadier now, and her stomach had settled. She looked at her watch. Eight-thirty. If Tetsuya had taken the train, he would be gone by now.  
"I suppose I should be going, sir," she heard herself say, holding out her hand to shake his in parting. "Thank you."  
"Where are you going?"  
"Back to my hotel." _Back to nothing._  
He surprised her by giving her a warm smile. "How about if I walk you there? Is it far?"  
"About four minutes by taxi, sir."  
"Call me Stephan." He got up from the bench. "Four minutes by taxi means about fifteen minutes on foot. And it's a nice day out."  
The sidewalks of New York were just as crowded as the streets in the morning, and Yui kept close by to Stephan as they pushed past businessmen and women hurrying to work, street peddlers bellowing their wares, through crowds streaming under construction scaffolds of rickety wood.  
"I just got here to New York," Stephan said, conversationally. "I usually come about once every two weeks for business from France. Are you from around here?"  
"I'm from Japan."  
"Ah."  
The don't-walk sign flashed and they stopped on the corner, watching the cars pass. "What brings you here?"  
"I got a travel scholarship from a local university."  
"You're attending a university?"  
"Oh, no." Yui laughed nervously. His blond hair shimmered in the sunlight and his blue eyes smiled. "I'm still in high school."  
If he was Nakago, he had changed. Who was this kind and generous man who had offered to walk her back to her hotel? He was smiling. She had never seen Nakago smile, not the cruel smile that she had too often seen, not the sly smile he used to offer her for comfort, but a real, genuine smile. It made his face light up.  
Soi had said she had seen him a long time ago. And she had said he hadn't changed…hadn't she? Could she have been wrong?  
"I thought you looked a little young for that. Well, looks can be deceiving sometimes."  
"Yes," Yui said, concentrating on not looking at him. "Here's our light."  
The walk sign flickered and she stepped out into the intersection, mind elsewhere. The pavement glittered in the sunlight.  
The only warning she had was the squeal of breaks and the desperate honking of a horn. A large black object reared up at her, and wind rushed past her, and there was no time to move.  
She screamed.  
"YUI-SAMA!"  
Something large and warm flung her out of the way and she landed on her hands and knees on the pavement, cheek bruised from scraping on the ground. Her vision was blurry, and she couldn't breathe. There was a roaring in her ears and she thought she heard someone calling her name.  
"Yui? Yui-sama?"  
Blue eyes, looking into hers. Hands shaking her shoulders. His nose and cheek were smudged with dirt and a little blood. There was blood trickling down the side of his face and a sliver of glass was lodged in his right temple.  
Pulsing in the center of his forehead was a brilliant blue character. "Kokoro."  
"N-Nakago."  
He reached up one hand to touch her, touch her face and her cheek, and as she watched, he smiled. And then his breath hitched in his chest and he collapsed on top of her.  
"Nakago? Nakago!"  
He was breathing, but barely. She rolled him onto his back and looked around wildly. There was a crowd around her again, and she could hear one man on a cell phone, requesting an ambulance and medical emergency help. She checked for his pulse and was relieved to feel it steady. His fingers were smeared with blood and she could feel something sticky on her cheek where he had touched her. The whole left side of his suit and his arm was soaked through with warm blood. He moaned, unconscious.  
"Nakago," she whispered, stroking his hair. "Nakago. Don't die. Please don't die."

  


** Dis-moi simplement si tu veux de moi  
Quand tu partiras là-bas  
Vers ces dunes sèches de sable et de vent  
Cet océan jaune et blanc**

Perdu dans le désert  
Tu es perdu dans le désert

** Only tell me that you still want me here  
When you wander off out there  
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow  
In that dry white ocean alone**

Lost out in the desert  
You are lost out in the desert

**--Anggun, _La Neige au Sahara_**

  
It was five long hours before she was allowed to go in to see him. Stephan BeauSeigneur, she had given as his name to the nurses. According to the information in his wallet he was from France and had just arrived in New York from Maine, by train. The doctors who had operated on him had said he was in stable condition, suffering from a broken collarbone and fractured left arm.  
"We thought his spine might have been broken from the impact with the car," explained the surgeon to Yui, "but luckily he suffered no damage to the spinal column."  
Yui nodded, not trusting her voice.  
"Are you family?" The surgeon looked her over, frowning, probably wondering how someone so obviously Asian could be related to a French man.  
She shook her head, trying not to giggle out loud from relief at the thought of her being related to Nakago. Miaka giggled. Hongou Yui did not. "No. Just a friend."  
"I think he's in good enough condition for you to see him, if you want to. He might be a little disoriented, so don't be alarmed if he doesn't recognize you."  
"Yes sir," she said, following the surgeon down the stark, white hallway. The surgeon pushed open one of the doors on the side. BeauSeigneur, Stephan, read the plaque outside on the wall. He motioned her in and she entered hesitantly.  
The room was dark, lit only by dim fluorescent lights in the corners. Lighted machines kept the company of the lone figure in the medical bed. As she took a step forward, the figure shifted.  
"Nakago?"  
"Yui-sama."  
His voice sounded clear and perfectly lucid. She stopped at his bedside, looking down on his face. Blue eyes looked back at her.  
"You scared me."  
A wry smile. "I didn't think. It was just a reflex action, I suppose."  
Her hands were shaking and she clenched them together to make them stop. "I thought I'd lost you too." Too late she realized what she had said.  
His brow furrowed. "Too? What do you mean?"  
She took a deep breath. "Nakago…I…"  
"Yui-sama, tell me."  
"Soi's dead."  
He didn't speak for a long moment. The only sound in the room was the soft beeping of the machines, and then she became aware of a soft ticking sound. Alarmed, she looked down at him. There were tears slowly sliding down his cheeks and hitting the rough pillow on which his head rested.  
"Nakago…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"  
"It's not your fault." His voice was choked, trembling. He closed his eyes.  
"You just didn't remember…"  
"Oh, I remember now." The words were bitter, self-wounding. "I remember too much now."  
"Nakago, I-"  
"I remember everything."  
"Don't blame yourself."  
"I saw Soi…it was a long time ago." Yui let him talk. "I was a little more wild, then, and I saw her in a bar…"  
"She told me," Yui whispered.  
"If only I had recognized her then…"  
Yui felt like crying. "I'm so sorry, Nakago."  
"No, don't be. It's my fault…"  
She felt an inordinate surge of anger. "No it's not! I don't understand why all of you want to take the blame for what I did…my actions were my own fault!"  
"Don't try to make excuses for what I did, Yui-sama." He turned his face away from her, tears still streaking his cheeks. "I used you, and you suffered for it. I used Soi…I used Amiboshi and Tomo and all of you. I was such a blind fool."  
"Not anymore," she whispered. "Not anymore, Nakago. You saved my life today."  
"Ironic isn't it? Back then the only reason I would have saved you was because I wanted my wish from Seiryuu."  
"How do you feel?" she wondered, trying to turn the subject.  
"Like shit," he said frankly, earning a stare from her. He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "How do you feel?"  
"I'm glad you're alive."  
"I should have died. Soi died…if I had died I could maybe be with her right now. I loved her, you know."  
"She never believed that."  
Stephan - Nakago - shook his head. "No. I never let her believe that. I couldn't believe that I needed her…that she could love someone like me. I remember it all now…Have you found any other seishi?"  
"Just you and Soi and Amiboshi."  
"They all remembered?"  
"Yes. They recognized me at once when they saw me. I was…I was wondering why you didn't…"  
He shook his head slowly. "Strange. It seems as if I've always remembered…now. I don't understand why I didn't gain memories back sooner."  
"Nakago-"  
He held up one hand. "No. I'm not Nakago anymore. I failed you, I failed Soi…as a seishi everything I did was wrong."  
"S-Soi said something about second chances," Yui said softly. "I think she desperately wished for you to have one. To know yourself…for me to know you. If that's possible still."  
There was a rap on the door. The surgeon.  
"Excuse me, Miss Hongou, but the patient really needs to rest."  
"I'll be just a minute."  
The head disappeared, and she looked back down at him. His blue eyes were turned towards the wall.  
"Nakago?"  
He looked back at her again, and while there were still tears on his cheeks, he was smiling. A little sadly, but he reached out a hand to clasp hers. "I-I think I'd like that," he said. "And if Soi wanted it, I think I could try."

  


** Kooritsuku yo na sabaku o  
Zutto aruite iru you da  
Watashi o unda sono ai wa  
Ima no chikara o yurusu darou ka?**

Aishi kata o shiranain da  
Aisare ta koto ga nai kara

** It is like I have been walking  
Forever through a frozen desert  
Would the love that bore me  
Forgive the power that I have now?**

I don't know how to love  
Because I have never been loved

**--Fushigi Yuugi, _Blue Eyes...Blue_ (Nakago)**

  



	6. Emptiness

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**VI. Emptiness**

**

If I could change anything,  
Then I would wipe the years away  
If I could change anything  
Then I would change everything  
These bitter days shall remain  
You carry your blues behind your eyes  
Don't flatter yourself I will survive  
So carry your blues, your own denial  
Your feathers are gone, you'll never fly

**
**--Nine Days, _Bitter_**

  
"I was born in France. My father was a businessman, and my mother stayed home and took care of the children. Typical family." Stephan placed a steaming roll on Yui's plate.  
Outside the large glass window, the New York traffic flowed by in waves. The setting sun shone in prisms over the Empire State Building and World Trade Center. Far out in the harbor, the Statue of Liberty gleamed with an otherworldly light. Yui sat back in her seat with a sigh, murmuring a thank you as the waiter poured her some more ice water.  
Stephan had been released from the hospital in an amazingly short time. His injuries weren't serious, and after a few more tests, the baffled doctors had concluded that the bones were already in the process of knitting themselves back together. When she'd asked him on the ride back to her hotel, Stephan told her that any injuries he had always healed very quickly, especially when he had been a child. Yui suspected it was more his seishi power than anything biological.  
He shrugged when she told him. "Could be. That's probably a good guess."  
He hadn't been very talkative the whole ride back, and she had not forced him into conversation. When they reached the hotel, he had handed the driver a large tip and then got out of the taxi with her.  
"Aren't you going back to your hotel?"  
He hadn't answered, his blue eyes far away.  
"Would you like to join me for dinner?"  
Nakago asking her to dinner? "Tonight?"  
"Of course."  
It had been early evening then and the sun was beginning to set. "Let me run up and change, and then I'll be glad to."  
He had smiled, but it looked tired and forced. Yui was in and out in less than five minutes, praying he hadn't changed his mind. He was still there in the lobby, waiting.  
The restaurant that he took her to was small, but the view outside the window where they were sitting was stunning. The entire city of Manhattan lay before them in the setting sun, with the ocean sparkling just beyond, the ships coming and going from the harbor, and the Statue of Liberty visible in the distance.  
"The vision that I saw in Tomo's shin…this reminds me of it."  
"I never did figure out why you kept that." Yui took a bite of her salad.  
Stephan put down his fork, gazing out at the city. "I never really either. I went to look for his body and it was the only thing left. I suppose I didn't believe he was actually dead. I never believed Tomo could die. Tomo and Soi and you and I…we were the invincible ones."  
She could still detect the slight hitch in his voice when he spoke of Soi. "I'm sorry, Nakago," she said again. "I wish I could have been of some help. Anything, anything at all."  
He looked at her then, his blue eyes catching the evening light and reflecting prisms of tears. "I've had two days to think, Yui." His hand strayed towards his water glass but he did not drink, just traced the beads of water trickling down the sides.  
"I did some horribly wrong things, as Nakago. I could blow it off and blame it on my childhood, or the fact that I never had anyone close to me. But I think that now, in this life, as Stephan BeauSeigneur, I've finally done some things right. Do you know what I mean?"  
Yui nodded, eyes fixed on his.  
"I take full responsibility for what I did to you in Kutou. It was wrong of me. I wish I could apologize to S-Soi, but I suppose I came too late. I hope she can hear me in heaven, if she's there. I can't imagine her not being there. I used her too, and it was wrong…"  
She reached across the table to grasp his hand, taking it in her small one. "Stephan."  
"You've found three of us and I have a feeling the others are here somewhere too on this earth. If you find them…tell them what I told you. If they will hear it."  
"I can't imagine them not wanting to hear it."  
Stephan was silent for a moment. The sun had mostly set now, and the city was a blaze of lights moving in the blackness, like rainbow fireflies.  
"I loved Soi," he said at last. "All my life I've felt I was waiting for someone…and it was her. I never told her how I felt. She never knew me. I met her, I used her, and then I left her. It was the same."  
"She said she dreamed about you." Yui met his gaze. "She never gave up on you. Not then, not ever. Believe me." She clasped her other hand over his. "She meant what she said about second chances, and I know you've taken yours."  
He started to say something, but she shook her head. "I forgive you absolutely for what you did. You're not the same person you were and I'm not either. It was a long time ago…I want to know you and the others as friends, not as old enemies. And I think we can do that. I think we've made a start."  
His grip tightened on hers, and he smiled, lighting up his eyes, and Yui felt something in her heart give way, the last bitter memories of him falling away, melting under the blue eyes of a man who was trying to make the past right.  
"Don't you think so?"  
His eyes were full of tears, but he was still smiling.  
"Yui…thank you."

  


** Nee hoshii mono wa anata dake to  
Kieru you na koe ga kanashi-sugite  
Mou shindemo ii ai no hate de  
Muku ni natta hada ga shinjitsu da yo**

Ah me wo tojite mitsume-ai  
Kegarezu ni ochite yuku

** I say that my only desire is you  
In a dying voice that is heartbreaking  
Now I can die at the farthest reach of love  
Where your purity is my reality**

Ah, closing our eyes we find each other  
Falling without fear of sin

  
**--Weiss Kreuz, _Shindemo Ii_**

  
She gave him Jeff's phone number in the hotel lobby when he walked her back that night. "His cell number. But don't call too late because his roommate likes to go to sleep early. And he's a professional musician so I don't know when he'll have it turned on. I'm sure directors don't like it ringing in the middle of rehearsal."  
Stephan pocketed the slip of paper, then scrawled his own number and email on another sheet. "Thanks. Here's mine if you need it. If you get in touch with any of the others, let me know."  
"I will. I'm going to Europe next week so I won't be back in the States in a while, but I will let you know. Good luck with Amiboshi."  
He flashed her another grateful smile and then hugged her tightly. "Thank you for everything, Yui. Look me up when you get back."  
"I will," she whispered. "Arigatou."  
He gave her another smile and then disappeared out the doors.  
Her room was dark and cold. She hadn't closed the window this morning, and the Do Not Disturb sign on the door had prevented the maids from coming in and cleaning the room. Yui turned on the lights, taking off her coat and hat, then slipped out onto the balcony of her room, taking in the night air. It was slightly dusty and smelled of car exhaust, but she lingered out on the balcony, watching the city lights and the movement of traffic up and down Broadway.  
She wondered what Tetsuya was doing. He was probably back in Philadelphia by now, preparing to go to bed, to go to work the next morning. If he hadn't gone without her, she would never have met Stephan.  
Fate worked in strange ways.  
The night air was warm, but Yui shivered. She needed a shower and bed. It had been an exhausting day. The scrapes on her face and hands and knees still hurt, and she thought of Stephan, walking off into the lonely night.  
Soi would be happy, if she knew.  
She was like Soi. Always alone. Soi had Nakago now, though he might not believe it. But Yui had no one. Tetsuya…she had never really had Tetsuya anyway. And she had never really wanted him, not as she imagined she would want someone she loved with her whole heart.  
_What's wrong, Yui-sama?_ she imagined his voice in her head, the painfully innocent blue eyes peering at her.  
_Suboshi, I'm lonely._  
With a sigh she stepped back inside and shut the door. It was too late and she was too tired. Tomorrow she would return to Philadelphia.

  


**

Who is that girl I see  
Staring straight  
Back at me?  
Why is my reflection  
Someone I don't know?

**
**--MuLan, _Reflection_**

  
The train trip back to Philadelphia was uneventful, and the Grants welcomed her back enthusiastically. Will had planted some flowers while she was away, but had saved some for her. After she had unpacked her luggage and put everything away, she went to work in the garden.  
At dinner she told the Grants about her trip, saying that she had left New York early because she wanted plenty of time to prepare for her trip to Europe, which was next week. She'd called Andy the day before she left for New York, making sure she had plenty of money ready, just in case, and then called the travel agency to make sure the tickets were in order.  
"What countries?" wondered Will as Barbara cleared away the dinner table.  
"England and Italy and Greece," Yui said. "I've never been to Europe before. It sounds fun."  
"How long will you be gone?"  
"About two weeks, I think." She ticked off days on her fingers. "Yes, exactly two weeks."  
Barbara beamed. "That'll be great! The day after you come back is Will's birthday, and we just called up all the relatives. Our children are definitely coming, so you'll get to meet them. I know a lot of the relatives are excited to meet you."  
Yui made some gracious replies, not nearly as excited about meeting the relatives as they probably were about meeting her, and escaped upstairs as soon as possible. The evening was warm and she had opened her window again to let the breeze in.  
She turned on the lamp on Steven's bedstand, settling down on the blue comforter to write her letter to Miaka and the others. She had given up writing on the desk. The desk was hard and lifeless, while the comforter was soft and fluffy, warm and alive. She glanced at the picture of the girl on the bedstand again and wondered what kind of person Steven was. He had looked fairly lively in the pictures she had seen of him, compared to his older brother and sister.  
She debated whether to tell them about Jeff and Stephan, and then decided against it. They'd find out sooner or later from Tetsuya anyway, but she couldn't help feeling that she was betraying the trust of her seishi by telling the girl who had once been their enemy. A petty excuse, but she hadn't told them about Soi either, so why should this matter?  
Yui wrote in silence, listening to the wind move in the trees outside as the last of the sunrays vanished behind the roofs of the houses. She had brought her CDs, but Steven's room did not have a CD player, nor did it have a radio. Perhaps she'd go out tomorrow after work and buy herself a discman to take to Europe.  
Finishing with the letter, she put it aside and then stared up at the ceiling. The light cast an yellowish glow over the white surface, and the silence seemed to be trying to worm a hole through her. She debated calling Tetsuya and then decided against it. He probably didn't want to talk to her anyway, and she didn't blame him.  
_What do you do when you lose someone you loved?_  
There was no answer. She waited for a moment, and then gave a soft laugh. She was talking to herself again. She imagined someone sitting at the foot of her bed, a tousled head of blond hair and a pair of bright eyes. _Don't be sad, Yui-sama.  
I feel empty._  
The eyes smiled at her but made no reply, and she let her mind drift back to the present. Daydreaming again. She never used to daydream, had thought herself a very down-to-earth person. Flights of fancy were more Miaka's thing than hers, but here she was imagining herself talking to one of her seishi who wasn't even here.  
He had been the only one in her life who had ever listened to her. The others…even Miaka, Keisuke, Tetsuya…pretended to listen and then waltzed away unconcerned. Suboshi had listened. He had understood, and he had accepted.  
"Stupid," she muttered to herself as she sat up on the bed. Suboshi wasn't here right now to listen to her gripe about Tetsuya, and even he might not understand. He had never been in a relationship before.  
_He might have understood, if you hadn't rejected him.  
I didn't reject him. I was looking out for his own good._  
Groaning, she crawled off the bed. It was far too late at night to be arguing with herself. Suboshi wasn't here right now, whatever the case, and talking to herself wouldn't help a thing. Besides, she was far too occupied to fall in love again now.  
Fall in love?  
She blinked, staring at the reflection of herself in the wall mirror across from the bed. Ridiculous! She wasn't in love with him…had never been in love with him. She didn't love anyone right now.  
And Suboshi wasn't here.

  


** Juusei wa hibiki arasoi wa tsuzuitemo  
Tooi sora no shita to sakebu  
Itsu no hi ka boku ni subete o iyaseru you na  
Uta o tsukuru chikara o kure**

You're my precious  
Everything must pass

** Even when gunshots echo and war never ends  
I cry out under the faraway sky  
Someday, please give me the power  
To be able to heal all pain**

You're my precious  
Everything must pass

  
**--Glay, _Saville Row_**

  



	7. Suspension

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**VII. Suspension**

**

There's an ocean between us  
You know where to find me  
You reach out and touch me  
I feel you with my whole heart  
More than a lifetime, it seems like forever  
But I'll always remember  
You're only an ocean away

**
**--Sarah Brightman, _Only an Ocean Away_**

  
It rained the day Yui left for England, and the flight was almost canceled.  
She woke up looking at the gray sky. She had left the window open the night before, and the rain during the night had seeped into the room and was dripping down the sill and onto the wooden desk. The roads to the airport weren't much better, and the radio warned that storms would continue into the evening.  
But the flight wasn't canceled, much to Yui's relief. It was delayed about an hour and a half until the skies were clear enough for the plane to be able to take off, but no other serious accidents befell and an hour and a half later, she was sitting and staring out the window at the rain clouds as the plane made its way towards England.  
The flight there was not particularly long, compared to the flight from Japan to San Francisco, and she had gotten plenty of sleep the night before so she was not tired. Will and Barbara had given her a note before she had gotten on the plane. "Don't open this until you're well underway!" Barbara had warned.  
Yui supposed that now was considered "well underway," so she carefully opened the envelope, pulling out a folded piece of paper and a picture. She placed the picture in her lap and unfolded the letter.

_Yui,_

Hopefully you're on the plane right now reading this. We just wanted to wish you a safe and happy trip to Europe. When you get back, Tom, Mary, and Steven might already be home, so we enclosed a picture for you to identify them before you come home so you won't be too confused. Tom is the one on the right, Mary in the middle, and Steven on the left.

Again, have a very safe trip! We'll be thinking of you. We've enjoyed having you stay with us and hope that you've enjoyed it too.

Will and Barbara

She smiled as she placed the letter back in the envelope and held the picture up to the light. It was a simple picture against a dark backdrop, from the quality of it taken very recently. Tom, the dark haired man, stood to the left, his hand on his sister's shoulder, smiling gently. Mary was sitting, hair arranged in waves over one shoulder. Her hands, folded in her lap, had dark red nails. And Steven was grinning happily from Mary's other side, longish blond hair flopping over one eye and lopsided smile infectious.  
Yui glanced at the picture once more and then stuck it back in the envelope. There was something that tickled the back of her mind when she had looked at it…but she couldn't remember what it was. Shrugging it off, she placed the envelope back in her purse.  
The plane landed in London in the late afternoon, and by the time Yui had made her way down to the baggage claim and made sure her luggage was all together, the sky was beginning to darken. The crowds were thinning and she stood, scanning the airport, hoping that the person who had been scheduled to come pick her up had not forgotten her.  
"Are you Yui Hongou?"  
The voice made her jump. The stocky man standing behind her smiled at her reaction, holding out his hand. "I'm Phillip Cartwright. Call me Phillip. Are you here for the exchange program?"  
She had recovered enough to shake his hand, noting that Phillip Cartwright didn't have a British accent. He was a few inches taller than her, with dark brown hair cut short and an athletic physique. "Yes, sir. Pleased to meet you."  
He shook her hand enthusiastically. "Great! You're probably wondering about the lack of British accent," he continued, releasing her hand and lifting two of her bags. "I'm actually from the States. I'm a captain in the US Air Force stationed over here at Mildenhall Air Force Base, and I'm in London on leave."  
"I see," said Yui, following him down to the entry doors.  
"I actually lived in London for about seven years of my life before I went back to the United States for college, so I know my way around pretty well. And you're from-"  
"Japan."  
Phillip nodded. "Ah. That's right. Slipped my mind."  
His car was a small red Mustang and he slipped her suitcases inside the trunk. "I think you'll like where you're staying. It's a small bed-and-breakfast, and I have a room next to yours. You're staying how long?"  
"About four days, sir."  
He nodded absently, revving up the engine and backing the car out of the parking space. "Great. I'll have lots to show you. Maybe we could even catch a train up to Scotland for a day or so and see some old Celtic ruins."  
"That sounds fun," Yui said, watching the scenery outside the window. She could see the large clock tower-Big Ben?-above the city horizon. London was not at all like any American city. It was ancient and forbidding and warm all at the same time, and she craned her neck, trying to take in everything at once.  
Phillip laughed. "Don't worry, you'll get plenty of tours. I'll see to that. There's so much to do in London…pity you're only staying four days."  
"I'm sure your tours will be wonderful, sir."  
He laughed again. "Buttering me up, are you? I don't know this city as well as some, but I'd like to think that I know it pretty darn well."  
The cur purred through the winding narrow streets, slowing and then stopping at a larger building on a street corner. "Toast of Britain Bed and Breakfast," the sign swinging outside read. Phillip eased the car into one of the few empty parking spots and turned it off.  
"Here we are. I've already registered us, so I'll just give you your key right now." A small piece of metal settled in her outstretched hand and Phillip stepped out of the car, walking around to open her door and then digging her luggage out of the small trunk.  
"I believe your room is number 20. Mine is 19, next to yours, so just walk over and knock real loud if there's a problem."  
"Thank you, sir."  
"Just call me Phillip," he said easily, carrying her suitcases to the door and bracing them open with his foot. "I get kind of nervous if people besides the ones that work under me call me sir."  
Yui smiled. "I see."  
The bed and breakfast was small but cozy. The furnishings inside Yui's room were comfortable, though a bit worn. She pushed her suitcases inside the door, noting that Phillip looked like he had already settled in.  
She arranged the luggage by the wall, mentally reminding herself to write Will and Barbara later. Her stomach growled. Walking outside in the hallway, she listened at Phillip's door for a moment, then knocked softly.  
The door opened and gray eyes blinked at her. "You find everything to your liking?"  
She nodded. "I was just wondering where I could find something to eat."  
Phillip jumped. "Oh! I almost forgot. Hold on a minute while I change, and then we can go get some dinner. There's a nice little café down the street that's open late and cheap. I think you might like it."

  


**

Struggle with a child whose screaming dreaming  
Drowned by the props all steely sunshine  
Sick of you, sick of me  
Lust for the free life  
Quashed and maimed  
Like a valuable loved one  
Left unnamed

**

Seemed like another day  
I could fly into the eye of God on high 

--David Bowie, _African Night Flight_

  
The café Phillip took her to was small and quaint and based on a French design ("But these French copies of cafés are never as good as the real thing," said Phillip.) Yui ordered some soup and bread, and Phillip munched on a pastry.  
"I've already had my dinner," he explained when she asked him. "I eat early, about four in the afternoon. Yeah, I know it's weird."  
"I didn't say it was weird," Yui said, sipping her soup. It tasted faintly of exotic spices and warmed her stomach.  
Phillip grinned. "So why are you over here anyway? Just decided to try it out?"  
"I was offered a scholarship from the University of Tokyo to spend a summer in America. I was the first person on their list, so they offered me this European trip as well."  
Phillip whistled. "Wow. You must be pretty good. I can tell you right now your English is fantastic."  
"Thank you." She felt herself reddening.  
"I wish Americans were as polite as you. They could sure learn a few things from people like you."  
"What do you do in the Air Force?"  
"Me? Oh, I'm a Fuels manager. I supervise refueling of planes when they come in and take off. Not a very hard job, but there's lot of paperwork…the people who work under me are great though." He took another bite of his pastry. White cream oozed out the middle. "I tell you, when you get a job later, make sure you have some good people working under you and with you. That's where it all counts."  
Yui nodded. Good people…  
_I had good people, once. And I didn't know how to use them.  
Suboshi…_  
"Did I say something wrong?"  
Phillip's normally cheerful face was frowning as he looked at her. She blinked. "Oh. No, just thinking."  
He looked relieved. "For a moment there I thought I offended you or something. Sorry. I offend people very easily. Not good for an Air Force officer…I have to learn to watch my tongue. Sometimes things slip out that I don't mean and they're hard to take back."  
"I wasn't offended," Yui assured him hastily. "Just remembering things."  
He nodded, taking a drink of his soft drink. "Memories…they're nice to go through once in a while. I have lots of memories of living in London when I was younger. It's a nice enough city, though I could never get over how old it was. It has an entirely different feel than an American city."  
Yui nodded. "I noticed that when we were driving through today. I like it though."  
"It's a great city."  
The couple that had been eating at the next table paid the tab and left, and it had grown fully dark outside. Streetlamps lit the streets and the full moon shone down, its light mingling with the warmer lights of the shops and the streetlights.  
"Thank you for the meal," Yui said.  
"No problem. I'm here to treat you for the next four days, so if you need anything, just ask."  
Gray eyes smiled in the darkness at her, and she found herself smiling back. His cheerfulness was infectious.  
"I will."

  


**

Well you said substitute  
Burn myself on your bed  
Your crown of thorns  
My crown of lead  
I'll wake up before I drown  
All my love, let's be free 

**
--Bush, _English Fire_

  
At first she didn't know why she had awakened in the middle of the night. The room was dark and the moonlight poured in from behind the curtains.  
As she lay there breathing softly, something tickled the inside of her nose. She sniffed. Was that…smoke? Sitting up to make sure, she saw a faint reddish glow under the door.  
Fire!  
Jumping out of bed, she ran to the bathroom, remembering all the fire safety they had emphasized when she was younger. Wet a towel. Wedge it under the door. Feel the door to see if it's hot. Her palm burned when she touched the wood, and she quickly drew her hand back. Going out the door was obviously not an option. Her glance flew to the window and quickly she ran to it, throwing back the bolt. There was no mesh screen, and she was on the first floor.  
Throwing her purse out from the window and a smaller item of luggage, she climbed out the window herself, landing with a slight grunt. From her position on the ground she could see the red glow through some of the windows. Phillip's window was dark. She banged on it with her fist.  
"Phillip? Phillip!"  
No answer.  
Yui ran to the front door of the inn, on the other side. There was a small crowd of people gathered there, standing in groups of two or three, some stumbling out the door coughing, some coming around the corner of the building. She could see the smoke billowing out.  
Yui started to move forward, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her. A chubby man moved her back, shaking his head.  
"Don't go in there, lassie. The firefighters are coming, and they'll take care of it."  
"But my friend-"  
"He's probably out here-"  
A sharp cry cut short the man's reply and Yui turned slightly to see a weeping woman being held back by a man, presumably her husband.  
"Mother! Mother!"  
The chubby man winced. "I guess they didn't all get out."  
"There must be something we can-"  
The man shook his head firmly. "You're going to get yourself killed. Now just wait here."  
"Look!"  
The shout pierced the silence. From within the burning building, a few shapes moved. The woman who had been crying about her mother rushed forward as an older woman staggered out of the smoke.  
"Mother!"  
There was a younger woman, doubled over and coughing, and an elderly man, who was immediately assisted by several others who had been standing around. Yui squinted, trying to see…  
And then she saw him, carrying a figure in his arms, walking a bit unsteadily. His hair was singed and there were black smudges on his clothes, but he was alive.  
"Phillip!"  
one foot in front of the other, to a place on the grass, where he lay down the child in his arms. The little boy coughed and began to wail. Phillip collapsed on the ground next to him, choking and rubbing his eyes.  
"Phillip! Are you all right?"  
There was something on his neck. She lifted the collar of his dirty shirt and gasped, reaching out to touch the glowing kanji symbol.  
Basket.  
_Miboshi…?_  
"Phillip? Phillip!"  
He cracked open one eye, looking at her, and then both his eyes widened as he took in her features. She rolled him over on his back, brushing bits of ash from his face and clothes.  
"I-I-"  
"Don't talk."  
"Seiryuu no Miko!"  
"Are you all right?"  
"I'm fine. Yui-sama-"  
She managed a smile. "I must admit I would never have imagined Miboshi as an United States Air Force officer."  
He coughed again, but it sounded better. There was a wailing in the distance. The fire station had arrived in full force.  
"I never did, either," he said, once his coughing had subsided. He tried to lift his head, but dropped it with a sigh. "Damn…this is just too weird. I never thought-I'm not dreaming, right?" He blinked at her. "I really did have a past life…and all that?"  
"Yes, you did."  
"It all makes sense now," he whispered.  
"What does?"  
"The weird dreams I've been having…"  
A tap on her shoulder. She looked up. A fireman was offering her his gloved hand, and two others were preparing to transfer Phillip to a stretcher.  
"Ma'am, are you all right?"  
She nodded. "I have some belongings outside in the grass over there-?"  
The firefighter thought a moment. "It should be safe. I'll take you there."

  


**

Moving down an open road  
Asking my heart for direction cause we're so close  
I can see the faded signs leading to the same destination  
But you're not there  
We're dancing to the music that ended long ago  
You've done everything that you can do 

**
--BBMak, _I Can Tell_

  
The outside of the inn was still intact, but the inside had mostly been burned down. The firefighters couldn't say what had caused the blaze, but the inn's staff assured everyone that they would be compensated for losses.  
Yui had rescued her purse and a small suitcase full of clothes, but all her other luggage had been destroyed along with everything else. It was a small loss, as things went. Her CDs, money, and valuables had been in her purse, so she had not lost anything important. Still, it was a setback. She had enough clothes to last the next few days, but not enough for a week. And she didn't think Phillip would like to go shopping.  
Phillip was much better after some water and rest. They had been offered shelter at the local fire station, fifty people crammed into one large room, sleeping and talking and resting. Yui sat with him in a corner, waiting. He was pale, from, Yui guessed, shock at finding out his past as much as shock from the fire.  
"I can't believe it," he said again, a phrase he had been repeating for the last few hours. "I can't believe I-damn, that-I can't believe it."  
"I know," Yui said patiently. She didn't think he was feverish, but then again, what did she know?  
"I'd been having dreams for the last couple of years, but I didn't know what they were. They were memories, I guess. I'm sorry…I must sound like a complete idiot to you, babbling. Did you know?"  
"That you were Miboshi? No, I didn't. You don't look anything like him."  
He grimaced. "That's understandable. I was a twisted bastard, wasn't I?"  
"Uh…you could say that, I suppose."  
"You can say that. I didn't like you much, and you didn't like me much. I remember."  
"Well," Yui said, "I hardly knew much about you. None of us did."  
"Be glad," Phillip said, leaning against the wall, closing his eyes. "Be very glad."  
"You saved that child today from the fire. And those people."  
"Oh, I know. The Air Force officer part of me would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't gone back to look for any others. Funny that I actually helped the child."  
Yui said nothing.  
"You're not angry at me, are you?"  
"Angry?" She looked at him. "For what?"  
"For being…what I am. I could tell you about the things I did before I met Nakago in Kutou…but I doubt you would want to hear them." He looked faintly sick. "I don't even want to think about them. I remember I didn't care about the other seishi much. I didn't care about you at all…"  
Yui shook her head. "I didn't care, either. Not for any of you."  
"That was the problem, I think," Phillip said softly. "We weren't a team…we kept wondering why the Suzaku seishi kept going despite such harsh circumstances. Because they were a team. They worked together and got the job done…for us, it was every man-or woman-for themselves. A bad plan."  
"I know," Yui said. "Believe me, I've thought about it."  
"We all schemed and plotted and used each other, and in the end it didn't even matter. I suppose it's rather funny…my profession now. Without teamwork, the military would get nowhere. Maybe an unconscious lesson learned from past experiences."  
Yui smiled tentatively. "Are you all right?"  
"Yes, Yui-sama."  
"Just Yui is fine now."  
Phillip smiled. His color looked a little better. "Just checking."  
"Only three more to go…" she murmured, more to herself than to him.  
"Three what?"  
"Seishi. You were the fourth one that I found."  
"Ah. You're actively searching."  
She shook her head. "You just seem to come to me. I suppose seishi are still drawn to the miko in this world like it was in the last. It's strange…"  
"I see. That would make sense."  
"I don't think if I actively searched that I would find seishi any faster. There seems to be a plan in this, somehow. Seiryuu's destiny? I don't know."  
"Suboshi."  
She started. "What?"  
"Suboshi," Phillip said. "That's who you really want to find, isn't it?"  
Yui frowned at him. "What are you talking about?"  
"It was rather obvious that the two of you were in love. Even to someone like me."  
She shook her head violently. "No. No no. He might have had a crush on me for a while, but it surely wasn't anything permanent. I didn't feel anything for him…it wasn't anything."  
"Are you sure?"  
_Yui-sama, I love you!_  
"Yes, I'm sure," Yui snapped, then instantly regretted her tone. Why was the subject making her so upset?  
Phillip didn't look convinced. "If you say so. Maybe I'm imagining things…my memories are all jumbled together inside my head with my dreams and I can't sort them out quite yet."  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be angry at you. It's all right."  
"Teamwork," he said again, reflectively. "That's the key. Remember that, Yui. Trust in other people…know that the other person trusts you. That's the only way to accomplish anything."  
"I've always had a hard time trusting people," she said softly.  
"I know." Phillip's expression was serious, but his eyes were smiling, though a bit sadly. "So have I. But I found out that it's never too late to learn."  
One hand reached out to touch her shoulder. She felt a surge of emotion for a reason she didn't understand, let it wash over her and subside, leaving only the face of the seishi who had once been faceless, nameless, looking at her solemnly. He had changed, just like the rest of them, and she suddenly felt very young, very vulnerable.  
"Trust," he said. "Remember that. It's the answer…to everything." 

  


**

And life is a road and I want to keep going  
Love is a river and I want to keep flowing  
Life is a road now and forever  
Wonderful journey  
I'll be there when the world stops turning  
I'll be there when the storm is through  
In the end I want to be standing  
At the beginning with you 

**
--Donna Lewis, _At the Beginning_


	8. Emergence

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**VIII. Emergence**

** Fada siar air aghaidh cuain  
'Se mo dhuansa "Cruit Mo Chridh,"  
Guth mo luaidh anns gach stuaidh  
'Ga mo nuallan gu tir.**
** On the sea, far to the west  
"Harp of My Heart" I call  
Your voice in each wave's crest  
Brings me closer to landfall**
  
**--_Gradh Geal Mo Chridh (Eriskay Love Lilt)_, Traditional Scottish folk tune**

  
The next few days, Yui found Phillip's company much more interesting than any Celtic ruins he showed her and was almost sorry to have to leave for Italy so soon.  
It was strange. When she had been Seiryuu no Miko, she had hardly known Miboshi, had not even known there was a Miboshi until Soi mentioned it in a passing remark. She had only seen him twice: once when he had floated in during a discussion with Nakago, and once in the abandoned tower where he had defended them from the Suzaku and Byakko seishis' attacks. And then he had died.  
Phillip Cartwright was talkative, helpful, and carried himself with a noble air that Miboshi, not to mention the other Seiryuu seishi, had never had. Before they had gotten on the train to Scotland, he had bought her a book introducing her to Celtic culture, and then the entire way there had filled her ear with interesting facts about myths and druids and Samhain and bards and the Celtic farming system.  
They reached Scotland in the late afternoon, and Phillip decided that before finding somewhere to stay the night, they should go traipsing around the countryside for a while. Yui followed him, curious.  
"This place is famous for its Celtic ruins," Phillip said as she came up beside him in front of what looked like a large hill. "You see this mound here?" He pointed, and she nodded. "This is a burial mound. From the size of it, it was probably for a chieftain or a king."  
Yui took a few steps forward. The grass was long and thick and green on the mound, and the trees surrounding it cast peaceful shadows over the ground. "A restful grave."  
Phillip nodded. "There were legends among the Celts that these mounds were passages to the Otherworld…the spirit world. That somehow a man could go into the mound and live among the gods. There were legends…the legend of Oisin son of Finn is undoubtedly the most famous, though I doubt you've heard of it."  
Yui shook her head. "I haven't. What was it?"  
"It was the story of a man who fell in love with a woman from the Otherworld…but as long as he remained in one world and she in the other, they could never be together. He was the son of Finn McCoul, who is probably one of the most well known Celtic mythogical heroes." Phillip's gaze was searching. "A famous story."  
As long as he remained in one world and she in the other, they could never be together.  
"I see," Yui murmured. "What did he do, then?"  
"He left his home and his family and went to her world. You can probably find the legend on the internet or in a library."  
"A sad story," she said. The mound seemed to shimmer in the afternoon light.  
He looked at her, puzzled. "Why sad?"  
_Because…_  
"I can sympathize with Oisin, I suppose. Leaving his world…it's a hard thing."  
"Ah." He drew a breath. "I see what you mean."  
_Would you do that for me, Suboshi?  
Could you?_

  


** Con te partirò  
Paesi che non ho mai  
Veduto e vissuto con te  
Adesso si li vivrò  
Con te partirò  
Su navi per mari  
Che, io lo so  
No, no, non esistono più  
Con te io li vivrò**
** I'll go with you  
To countries I never  
Saw and shared with you  
Now, yes, I shall see them  
I'll go with you  
On ships across seas  
Which, I know  
No, no, exist no longer  
With you I'll see them**
  
**--Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli, _Time to Say Goodbye_**

  
She said goodbye to Phillip at the airport, with promise to write, and gave him Stephan's phone number just in case. Phillip looked at the number, raising an eyebrow.  
"I might just call him. You never know what will happen."  
Yui slept most of the way to Italy and woke when the flight attendant announced their arrival in Rome. The person who met her at the airport was a thin, willowy wisp of a woman who looked more like a model than a tour guide. The other members of the tour party were mostly older couples dressed in bright t-shirts and shorts, carrying cameras through the bus rides through old Rome. Yui felt out of place.  
The city itself was grand and quaint at the same time. She flipped through the tour brochure the guide had given her, noting the places of interest. The Vatican. The old Roman forum. The Coliseum.  
Yui had always wanted to take Italian in school, but there were no classes offered. Maybe in college, she had told Miaka when her friend had inquired. Italian, French, Spanish…maybe even Latin. Of course, that was still several years away.  
The tour guide had promised an extensive tour, and Yui was not disappointed. The tour of the Vatican started early in the morning, culminating in the Sistene Chapel just before lunch. Yui had always wanted to see the builidng in which Michelangelo had painted one of his most famous works.  
"Be careful," the guide warned in her light Italian accent as they entered the building. "They're still renovating and repainting, so things might be somewhat messy. What your step."  
The inside of the chapel was dark after the bright outside light and Yui had to blink rapidly, waiting for her vision to clear and the blackness to fade away. The entire inside of the chapel seemed like one enormous art museum, and Yui barely heard the tour guide begin to explain items and importances as her gaze wandered to the ceiling.  
There were scaffolds and paint buckets and tarps everywhere due to renovation, but what she could see was stunning. She could almost imagine the clouds moving, the figures dancing and swirling about in great crowds, the hand of Adam move to touch the hand of God…  
"Excuse me, miss? Your tour just left that way."  
The voice was heavily accented and Yui turned. One of the painters was standing there, smiling uncertainly. He was young, his face tanned from sun, his wavy dark hair pulled back in a short ponytail. Brown eyes. She looked over to where he was pointing, saw the tour group gathered at the other end of the chapel.  
"Oh! Thank you." She started to walk away, but stopped when a hand caught her arm. She stiffened.  
"Wait, miss…"  
She turned around to meet brown eyes, slightly puzzled and shy. "Would you-would your name be Yui Hongou?"  
She suppressed the urge to gape at him. "Yes. Why do you ask?"  
He blinked, then suddenly grabbed her shoulders. "Yui-sama! Seiryuu no Miko!"  
"Who-"  
"You probably do not recognize me…I was known as Ashitare. One of your seishi."  
Yui gave him a disbelieving look, running her eyes along his face again. The dark hair, slightly wolfish features, brown eyes…  
"You remembered me?"  
He nodded vigorously, his features lighting up. If he had a tail, it would be wagging right now. "Yes! I have had memories ever since I was a small child, but I was not entirely sure they were true. But I saw you and I knew I had known you before somewhere."  
He released her arms and she stepped back, feeling lost and excited and frustrated all at once…Ashitare…if he was really Ashitare…  
She had never known Ashitare. Nakago had never permitted her to go near him, for obvious reasons, and Ashitare had been killed too early, recovering the Shinzaho. Another seishi that had died because of her.  
"Ashitare?"  
His gaze was almost pleading. "You do not remember me?"  
Slowly, she reached out and touched his arm. "I…I do remember you. Ashitare. It's…strange…"  
They stared at each other in awkward silence. "I'm sorry," Yui said at last. "I don't know what to say. I never really knew you back in Kutou, and…"  
He surprised her by sticking his hand out. "My name is Marco Bocelli now. Glad to meet you, Miss Hongou."  
Yui found herself smiling as she reached out to grasp his hand. "Pleased to meet you, Marco."

  


** Dolcemente, con amore  
Hai risposto al mio gridare  
Per sempre ognor, per sempre ognor  
Qui a me, t'attenderò**
** So gently, you touched my heart  
I will be forever yours  
Come what may, I won't age a day  
I'll wait for you, always**
  
**--Final Fantasy VI, _Aria de Mezzo Carattere_**

  
To her surprise, Marco suggested a place for lunch to the tour guide, who accepted and invidted him to come along.  
"I have some more work to supervise," he said. "But I will be there as soon as possible."  
The restaurant he suggested was an ethnic pasta place, with bright colors on the walls and a small crowd of customers sitting on the worn but comfortable chairs and sipping their drinks while waiting for their meals. Yui sat by one of the tour couples, listening with half an ear as they described their children to another couple at the next table, and sipped her water.  
Marco came in after a short time and made his way to her table. He was still wearing his paint-stained clothes, but he had washed his hands and it looked like he had combed his hair. The man behind the counter waved to him, and he waved back.  
"I come here often," he explained to Yui, sitting down in the chair opposite her. "The manager likes my crew."  
"Do you do renovations for a living?"  
He took a long gulp of water. "Sometimes. My company is more of a historical construction and paint company, and we are used to more architectural contracts. But when they asked me to help renovate the Sistene Chapel, I of course took the offer."  
There was another silence, and Yui stirred the straw between the ice cubes of her water. She had never been good at conversation, and conversation with Marco Bocelli was strangely unnerving. She remembere Ashitare the few times she had seen him, a large hulking bulk of a man, the strange insane gleam in his eyes and his jaws more often than not dripping blood.  
"You do not want to see me here, do you?"  
Yui's head jerked up. "What?"  
Marco smiled sadly. "You are remembering me as I was in Kutou. You wish I was not here now."  
"No! I…" She gave him a tired smile. "I suppose…how did you know?"  
"I can see it in your face. I know I was never the best seishi, and I do not blame you for hating me-"  
"I don't hate you."  
"-but I can promise you I have changed. Would you believe me if I told you that?"  
Yui nodded slowly. "I can believe that." Looking at the clean-shaven man sitting before her, large hands more suited for holding a pencil and paper than for killing and maiming, now.  
"I was…not so good, when I was younger. I had served some time in jail before for several crimes. I had the wrong friends. But now-" he spread his hands. "Now I have grown older and wiser." Yui smiled at that. "I have a company, I work to support my family honestly."  
"What family do you have?"  
"I have no family of my own, but everything I do is for my mother and four sisters. My father passed away last year and for a while I did not know if I could support them on my own. But I think it is fine now. One of my sisters is studying at a university right now but she has a…scholarship? Is that what you call it?"  
Yui nodded.  
"Yes. And my family raises dogs. We used to own a large kennel until we could not afford to keep it and sold it another family. But we are still allowed to go in and inspect, from time to time. The family trusts our experience."  
"That sounds wonderful," she said softly.  
The waiter arrived, bringing her food, and she ate the spicy pasta silently. It was actually quite good, though different from the American pasta she was used to eating and definitely different than any noodles she had had in Japan.  
"Ashi-Marco?"  
"Yes?"  
She stared at her food for a while, debating whether to ask the question after all. "What makes-what makes people change? Everyone I've found…you, Nakago, Miboshi…they've all changed. Why is that?"  
Marco looked at her solemnly, then down at the table. For a moment she thought he wasn't going to answer, but then he looked at her again with a puzzled look in his eyes.  
"I wish I could tell you. Change, I think, is something…" he seemed to struggle with words for a moment. "Change is something that can come to everyone, if they want to accept it. If I had been in different circumstances in Kutou, maybe I would not have been the way I was. I cannot really explain it, Yui-sama."  
"I see." She brought some more noodles to her mouth.  
"Do you trust me?"  
"What?"  
"I was not so trustworthy when you first knew me. I hope you can bring yourself to trust me now, if you want to. I would be glad to know you. I have changed, and I can tell you yourself have changed, have you not?"  
She nodded. "Yes."  
"If you would give me a second chance…?"  
_Second chances…  
We're not the same people you knew, Yui. Don't let second chances pass you by.  
Trust is the answer to everything._  
"We all need a second chance," she said. "So do I."  
Marco nodded and a brief smile flashed across his tanned face.  
"I am glad."

  


** Feror ego veluti  
Sine nauta navis  
Ut per vias aeris  
Vaga fertur avis  
Non me tenent vincula  
Non me tenet clavis**
** I am carried along  
Like a ship without a steersman  
And in the paths of the air  
Like a light, hovering bird  
Chains cannot hold me  
Keys cannot imprison me**
  
**--Carl Orff, "In Taberna," _Carmina Burana_**

  



	9. Rebirth

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**IX. Rebirth**

** San thearínoc chaíromui  
Kai pseútika giláo  
Mésa sta stíthi kaígomai  
Ma den ta marturáo  
Mésa sto gélio to pikró  
Ta stenagmó mou krúbo**
** Like an actor on stage  
I put on a play  
Inside myself I am burning  
No one should know  
Behind my bitter smile  
My sorrow I conceal**
  
**--Stélios Kazantzídis, _Ki an Yelaó_**

  
After Italy, Greece was the same, yet different. Yui had seen the ocean before, but in Greece it looked somehow…wilder, more beautiful, and ethereal, as if the waves were the prelude to a dream from which she might too easily wake.  
The night she arrived she wrote a letter to Miaka, telling her everything that had happened in Europe so far, again omitting her seishi. Miaka might like to hear about her travels, but reincarnated Seiryuu seishi might be too much for her. From her hotel room she could see the ocean and the slightly salty sea breeze rushed through the open window, heady with the smell of magic and dolphins.  
_That's what Greece is, I think,_ Yui wrote, leaning on elbow on the desk and writing with the aid of the small desk lamp. _A country of magic and dolphins. It feels like something is going to happen, with every wave. Have you ever had that feeling?_  
She sealed the letter and pasted a stamp on it, intending to send it next morning from the mailbox in the hotel lobby. There was only a small tour group this time, mostly young couples here for honeymoons or single career people enjoying a few days off for the summer. There were several people from France, a woman from Portugal, a couple from Belgium, and an American man with his Chinese wife.  
This trip, Yui thought, definitely redefined the term "multiethnic."  
The hotel room was light and airy and delicate, and shadows seemed to float on the air rather than laying flat on the ground. She had brought along her discman, lying on the chair next to the bed, but decided she preferred listening to the waves on the seashore.  
The picture the Grants had given her lay on the table along with Miaka's letter. Yui didn't know what had made her take it out of the envelope and place it on the desk, but for some reason she felt better with it there. Steven's grin seemed to fill the whole room with light, sparkling, shimmering.  
She gently passed a finger over his face on the picture, then frowned. What was she doing, thinking that way about a boy she didn't even know? Ridiculous.  
_Hongou Yui, what's gotten into you? A few reincarnated seishi and you think you're on top of the world._  
She thought of Stephan, Jeff, Phillip and Marco, smiling rather awkwardly. It had been a long time since she had smiled at memories-any memory. Far too long.  
_Five down, two to go._  
She almost laughed at the unbidden thought flashing through her mind. Five seishi didn't mean that the other two were out there. Though this was turning into a rather interesting trip. Two more…Tomo, and…  
Suboshi would have blond hair, she hoped, though he probably wouldn't look like what he used to. After all, he and Amiboshi were no longer brothers. He'd have the same burning spirit, the same passion for life. She imagined his hair blowing in the wind, maybe walking down the beach with her, enjoying the night tide…  
What the hell.  
Was she in love…with Suboshi?  
She hadn't loved him in Kutou. That she was sure of. There was no time for love then; at least she hadn't thought so. She hadn't seen how Miaka and Tamahome could make room for it, nor Soi and Nakago. There were battles to be fought and won, strategies to be planned out. She had tried…with Tamahome, and he had been wrong for her. So wrong…he had seen it. She was glad he had seen it.  
Suboshi had thought he loved her. She didn't know if he had truly, but she should have…she should have…  
Suddenly feeling ill, Yui pushed herself out of the chair. The moon was bright tonight and the hotel beach was private. If she went for a walk, she might feel better.  
The beach was peaceful in the moonlight and the cool wind cleared her thoughts. It was nice…too bad she couldn't do this in Tokyo. Her shoes sunk into the sand and on a whim, she stopped, took them off and dug her toes into the wave-wet shore. Yes…very nice.  
vThere was a shadow moving at the other end of the beach, and at first she thought it was just the trees swaying in the breeze. But as she drew closer she saw that it was walking, at about the same pace as she. A man? It was probably a hotel resident…the beach was private, after all.  
The figure drew closer. It was a man, walking along with hands in the pockets of wide white pants, dressed in a loose dark shirt. She debated turning and going back to the hotel. It was dark, she was alone, and an encounter with a strange man was the last thing she wanted.  
"Good evening."  
Well, so much for running away.  
"Good evening," Yui said, hesitantly. The man's accent, Greek, she assumed, was strong, but his English was understandable.  
"Are you a visitor here?"  
She nodded. The man stopped when he was several steps in front of her. He had long dark hair, unbound and trailing down his back in waves. She couldn't see his eye color in the moonlight. His nose and chin looked very Greek.  
She put out her hand, and the man looked at it for a moment, then very slowly reached his out. Then he laughed.  
"Oh, an American custom? Shaking hands?"  
Yui was glad it was dark, so he could not see her flush. "I'm sorry. I didn't think."  
"It is no problem," he said, shaking her hand rather gingerly. "Nice to meet you."  
She wondered why he didn't give his name, but did not ask. "Nice to meet you too."  
"I wish I could stay and talk, but I must get back to my meeting." His voice was soft, a high tenor. It sounded…familiar.  
"I'm sorry to inconvenience you," she said hastily, releasing his hand.  
He gave her a small bow. "It is no inconvenience. If we are lucky, I shall see you tomorrow, shall I not? Good night."  
Yui stared as he turned and trudged up the beach toward the hotel. What he meant by tomorrow? Was he part of her tour group? She couldn't remember a man like that in her group…and besides, he was probably here on some business trip.  
Perhaps he had been talking about just seeing her around the hotel. That must be it, she decided, continuing her walk down the beach. The sand was soft and still warm between her toes, and the sparkling moonlight on the waves made her think of flutes and dolphins.

  


** Nureta sono kata wo atatameru you ni daita  
Furueteru yubisaki wa nani wo motomesama you no?  
Togire-togirete mo tsutaete hoshii itami wo  
Anata no manazashi mamoritai  
Kanashimi tsuyosa ni kaeru ai wo shinjite**
** I embrace your wet shoulders to warm you  
What do your shaking fingertips ask for?  
Stop and tell me why you yearn for pain  
I want to protect your gaze  
I believe that love changes loneliness into strength**
  
**--Gundam Wing, _Just Communication_ (TV opening theme)**

  
"Today," the tour guide announced at breakfast, "We are going to watch some performances of Greek tragedies."  
The Greek tragedies in particular were Medea and the Oedipus trilogy, which Yui had studied but never seen. The tragedies, said the tour guide, would be performed in Greek, but their program would have English synopsis and comments. Besides, the guide said, looking rather superior, Greek drama was heavily based on movement and body motion, and if anything important happened, they would be sure to know what it was.  
The theater was an open-air theatre, but the nearness to the ocean made it refreshingly cool even in the midday. Yui squinted at her program, reading the English summaries and trying to remember what little she had been taught about Greek drama. Her teachers had always been more insistant on the class learning Japanese drama, though Yui had secretly preferred the Greek.  
The play started shortly after noon, and Yui watched in fascination as the actors acted out the tragedy of Jason's doomed wife. As Jason entered, she squinted, trying to make out his features. He was heavily made up, as with all the actors, and had dark hair pulled back. His movements were fluid, effortless, graceful, and he moved like a dancer. His voice…  
_Yes, this is a clam. I call it my shin. To make illusions…that is my ability as a Seiryuu shichi seishi.  
The ability of Seiryuu shichi seishi Tomo.  
Tomo!_  
Yui half-rose in her seat, but even without a good view she could see the similarities, especially with the heavy makeup. The voice inflection, the gestures, the movements…she had seen them a hundred times before.  
She felt her fingers tightening on the wood of her chair. Would it be improper to try to speak to him after the performance? She had done so with Amiboshi…but that had almost been a disaster.  
Her shaking fingers reached for the program and she flipped the pages, trying to find the name of the actor who played Jason. There was a black and white picture above the name, in Greek. He had no makeup on, and he was smiling slightly. She had never seen Tomo without his makeup on. The man in the photograph was handsome, almost in a feminine way, and he had long dark hair and light eyes.  
"Nikolas Seferlis," said the bold letters below the picture, and then went on to give information about the actor…in Greek.  
Yui ground her teeth, only half watching as Jason eloquently listed Medea's faults to the audience. She had to speak with him…somehow.  
The rest of the play crawled by too slowly, and as the actors bowed once again, Yui felt like screaming. As the applause subsided, Nikolas Seferlis took the microphone.  
"We appreciate our audience today," he said in accented English. "If any of you wish to meet us after the performance, we would be happy to see you on stage." Then to Yui's surprise, he repeated the information in French, Greek, and Japanese.  
He could speak Japanese?  
She quickly spoke to her tour guide, telling him she was going down to speak with Nikolas Seferlis, and the guide nodded absently. Yui ran down the stone steps to the front of the theatre, trying to sort through the crowds of people both on stage and trying to exit.  
Nikolas Seferlis was off to her left, answering some people's questions in Greek. There didn't seem to be many people around him, and when the couple was gone, she saw him take a look around and start to walk off stage.  
"Sir! Wait, sir?"  
He turned around. Amber eyes glittered in the sunlight and Yui blinked.  
Amber eyes.  
The noise from the crowd seemed to grow softer in Yui's ears as he stared at her and recognition showed in his features.  
"You…Seiryuu no Miko?"  
His Japanese was near perfect. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She should have known…should have known she would find Tomo here. After all, he had always been a performer.  
"Tomo?"  
"Hai." He sounded stunned. "How did you find-"  
She shook her head. "I came with a tour group…" Suddenly, she gasped. "It was you, wasn't it? The man I met last night on the beach?"  
To her shock, he smiled. "I thought there was something familiar about…it was me. I'm sorry I left so soon. If I had known who you were-"  
"I didn't recognize you," Yui breathed, "without your…" she trailed off.  
"Makeup?" He smiled again, but this time it was grim. "I understand."  
"I-"  
"Miss Hongou?" A shout from above, sounding like one of the members of her tour group. "We're leaving!"  
She started to say something, but Nikolas caught her hand.  
"I told you I would see you today," he said. "Meet me tonight…on the beach. Do you mind?"  
Yui shook her head. "Not at all."  
"Nine o' clock then," he said. "I will be there."

  


**

Love, the unconquered in battle  
Love, you who descend upon riches  
And watch the night through on a girl's soft cheek  
You roam over the sea  
And among the homes of men in the wilds  
Neither can any immortal escape you  
Nor any man whose life lasts for a day

**
  
**--Sophocles, "Choral Four," _Antigone_**

  
Nine o'clock was a mass of tropical shadows and setting sun, and Yui sat on the sand, waiting for the sun to set.  
Footsteps sounded behind her, muffled in the sand, and she turned. She almost didn't recognize him again without the makeup. His hair was pulled back and he wore a light colored shirt with jeans. He was barefoot.  
"Yui-sama."  
She started to stand up, but instead he dropped down beside her on the sand, turning his face towards the sun.  
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" He spoke Japanese. "Sometimes if you're here long enough, you can see the dolphins out in the open ocean. It's said they bring good fortune."  
"Greece is a beautiful place." She paused. "I should have known I would find you here."  
"Oh? Why is that?" There was a slight hint of curiosity in his voice.  
"Because Greece is a land of artists, and you were always an artist."  
Nikolas' voice was strangely empty when he spoke. "I always was…that."  
They sat together in silence for a while but it was not awkward. The golden wind blew and the waves crashed and somewhere, a bird called.  
"I've had dreams of you," he said finally. "Since I was a teenager. Of you and Nakago and Soi and the rest of us. I knew they were real, somehow, but I never told anyone. Just in case."  
"I know," she said. "Strange, how destiny drives us, isn't it?"  
He looked at her curiously. "What do you mean?"  
Yui laughed. "I came on this trip to travel and study…and I ended up finding seishi. It must be destiny. I don't know how else to describe it."  
"Destiny is a strange thing," he agreed, looking out at the ocean. "When I started to remember, my dreams were not that clear. I used to imagine you were some sort of goddess coming down to save the world. I remember…" He trailed off.  
"I'm not a goddess."  
"I know that now. But even when you were in Kutou, when I…I didn't care much for you. I didn't care much for any of the others either, except for Nakago-"  
"I know."  
"But I suppose I've grown up, just a little. I'm older than I was when I…died…in that life, and I'd like to think I know more."  
"You speak a lot of languages. Have you been performing for long?"  
He shrugged. "A while. I grew up in a performing family…I'm an artist. I've studied all over, and when you study all over, you learn languages. I was in Japan for five years studying Japanese drama. Amazing how much Japanese you can pick up there…of course, Japanese has always been familiar to me."  
"I see." Yui scooped up some sand in her hand. The grains glittered. "I came to learn about languages and culture...but I think this trip was destiny. I don't know. Finding you…and the others."  
"Did you find Nakago?"  
She nodded.  
"I've found all of you. Except for Suboshi."  
She must have looked more melancholy than she felt, because Nikolas touched her on the shoulder. "Suboshi was in love with you, you know."  
Yui was silent for a moment. "I don't know."  
"I remember telling him not to touch you, but even I could tell that there was something there. You don't believe me."  
"I don't know," she said again, inexplicably feeling tears well behind her eyes. "I don't know."  
"You can't force someone to love you."  
Nikolas was a shadow now. The light was fading, and the sea breeze picked up. It was low tide.  
"You can't force anyone to love you," he said again. "People love of their own will, and if you have to force it to be, then it's not worth it."  
She blinked the tears out of her eyes and tried to smile. "I don't even know why I'm so upset. He's just another seishi, isn't he? The last one, but just one more."  
"Maybe not to you."  
Yui shook her head. "I don' have time for this…I'm here for a summer. And then I go back to high school. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I don't need complications."  
Nikolas didn't say anything, just simply stared out into the ocean. After a while, she glanced at him through the thickening dark.  
"What are you thinking?"  
"About how much has changed…from then and now. You feel it, don't you? I suppose the others have changed too."  
"Yes, they have. Nakago…Miboshi…"  
"I was an artist then, too. I was in love with Nakago, but Soi had him. I thought maybe if I could do something to force him to love me, it would be all right. So long ago."  
The waves pushed against the sand and Yui risked a glance at him. She could see the amber color of his eyes now that she was looking hard enough.  
"But I've changed now. And I can tell you've changed."  
"I suppose I have," she murmured, thinking about how terribly mistaken she had been, when she had been Seiryuu no Miko on her quest for destruction and petty revenge. "I think meeting everyone now…it was a good thing."  
She felt his approval. "I'm glad I found you, Yui-sama."  
"I'm glad…I'm glad. I never knew you, or anyone, before, and I suppose I always wished I could. But you were all dead."  
"Destiny works in strange ways, as you said. And I'm glad I'm not dead anymore."  
She laughed, then lapsed into a comfortable silence.  
"Yui-sama?"  
Yui turned her head to look at him again. He was staring out into the ocean. The moon had started to rise, and the whole beach was filled with a silvery light.  
"I've learned you can't force anyone to love you, and that love is not so much an emotion as a search. You search until you find someone, and somehow you know…you know that that person is the one. That the journey is over."  
_You can't force anyone to love you._  
Suboshi hadn't forced her; he had just loved. He loved with all his heart and soul, and that had frightened her. She hadn't believed that someone could truly love her so much, that it had meant a love like Miaka's and Tamahome's could truly belong. She hadn't thought she was that kind of person. It wasn't for her.  
_Are you still angry about last night? It wasn't a joke, Yui-sama._  
"I didn't want to believe him," she said softly. "I couldn't believe him."  
Nikolas didn't ask what she was talking about, simply sat in silence.  
_You can't force someone to love you.  
I think…I think I've always loved him. I just never believed that I could._  
"Look, Yui."  
She lifted her head, looking towards where he was pointing, his finger silhouetted against the horizon and the rising stars.  
Far away, something silver flickered, leaped. The ocean spray was like diamonds on the water.  
"A dolphin," Nikolas said. "It's said they bring good fortune." 

  


** Ah subete ga owarebaii  
Owari no nai kono yoru ni  
Ah ushinau mono nande  
Nani mo nai anata dake  
Forever love Forever dream  
Kono mama soba ni ite  
Yoake ni furueru kokoro o dakishimete**
** Ah everything can end  
In this endless night  
Ah I can lose everything  
And have nothing but you  
Forever love forever dream  
Stay besides me like this  
Embrace my shivering heart at dawn**
  
**--X, _Forever Love_**

  



	10. Flight

_Butterfly's Sleep copyright 1999 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.  
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.  
_

**X. Flight**

** Kono koi wa toki o koete  
Anata no moto ni sakaseyou  
Ikusen no yoru to asa o mukae  
Dare no te nimo todokanai chi de**
** This love is beyond time  
From where you are it will bloom  
Greeting thousands of nights and mornings  
In a land beyond our reach**
  
**--L'Arc en Ciel, _Butterfly's Sleep_**

  
The next week found Yui back in Philadelphia with a full schedule of classes and work, a garden that needed weeding, some half-finished letters to Japan, and scraps of paper on which were scrawled phone numbers and mailing addresses.  
The weather was nice enough that she could take care of the weeding problem, and Will and Barbara welcomed her home enthusiastically. Barbara was busy with last minute preparations for the relatives, who were arriving tomorrow.  
"Tom's coming in at three in the afternoon," she told Yui at lunch. "And then Mary at five. I think Steven is earliest. His plane arrives at eleven, so he should be home by one that afternoon."  
Steven…Yui had taken the picture of the three children out from the envelope and placed it on the desk that she never used. In the evening light, Steven's smile was strangely comforting, like a beacon.  
There was something familiar about him, but she couldn't figure out what it was.  
After dinner, Yui trudged back up to her room, throwing clothes in drawers and trying to make it look presentable. The Grants had assured her that Steven could stay in the guestroom, since he was only staying one night before going back away to school, but Yui cleaned, just in case the boy wanted to take a look at his old room. Besides, she hated messy rooms.  
The phone rang. Yui ignored it, picking up dirty socks and throwing them in the laundry bag. She would have to do laundry tomorrow morning as well.  
"Yui?"  
Yui straightened.  
"Yes?"  
"The phone's for you."  
She frowned, then picked up the receiver gingerly. "Hello?"  
"Yui, it's Tetsuya."  
Silence. "Konban wa."  
"Look…"A heavy sigh. "I know we parted on not so good terms…I just called to say I'm sorry."  
Yui's lip quirked. "Hey, Tetsuya…I'm sorry too."  
He sounded relieved. "I wasn't sure if you were going to yell at me again."  
She shook her head, and then realized he couldn't see. "No…that night I was upset. It was all wrong…I think I'm all right now."  
"Did you find any other seishi in Europe?"  
"I did. Everyone but…everyone but Suboshi. I have all their phone numbers and addresses."  
"But Suboshi?"  
"Hai."  
A pause. "You don't sound too happy."  
"I'm just tired, I guess. Wh-"  
"About not finding Suboshi, I mean."  
She gripped the phone with both hands. The picture of Steven on the desk smiled up at her. Her hands were sweaty.  
"Yui?"  
"Tetsuya, I think I'm in love with Suboshi."  
A pause, then another heavy sigh. "Did you just decide this?"  
"No no no. Remember what I said…about the right person? I think Suboshi's the right person. I just never accepted that."  
"I see why you're so upset."  
"Tetsuya-"  
"Do you want me to come over? Or you can come over here. If you need to talk. I'm not jealous or anything. Just if you-"  
"I think I'm fine," Yui said softly, threading her fingers together over the receiver. "Really. I'll be fine."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Quite sure. Get some sleep, Tetsuya."  
"All right." He didn't sound convinced. "If you need me, just call. I'll be here."  
"Arigatou."  
There was a click as he hung up and then the line went dead. She replaced the phone back on the hook, feeling strangely weightless as she had that night when Nikolas had showed her the dolphins leaping over the water. Lonely…yet free.  
_Lonely yet free._

  


**

Breathe life into this feeble heart  
Lift this mortal veil of fear  
Take these hopes, etched with tears  
We'll rise above these earthly cares  
Cast your eyes to the ocean  
Cast your soul to the sea  
When the dark night seems endless  
Please remember me

**
  
**--Loreena McKennitt, _Dante's Prayer_ **

  
She woke to the sun shining through the curtains and the feeling of something in the air that something was going to happen. It was electric, searing, running through her like fire.  
Yui blinked, then rolled out of bed. Something was going to happen…well, the relatives were coming today. And Steven was coming.  
Steven.  
She dressed and dragged the bag of laundry downstairs to dump it in the ancient washing machine. She had offered to buy her own laundry detergent, but Barbara wouldn't hear of it.  
"What's the use of using your own when we have a huge box right here?"  
While the washing machine was running, she took a quick shower and toasted herself a piece of bread for breakfast. Barbara was already up in the kitchen, taking china out of the cupboard under the stove. She could hear Will outside mowing the grass.  
"Good morning."  
"Good morning," Barbara said, pouring her some tea. The Grants had been extremely nice about buying tea for her to drink in the morning, since she could not bring herself to touch coffee. "Did you sleep well?"  
"Very well, thank you."  
There had been no dreams last night.  
She went out in the garden to do some more weeding after breakfast. The sun was hot on her skin and she could tell she was going to get more than her fair share of insect bites later on today. It was too hot to be gardening, Will finally told her. Why didn't she go inside and rest?  
Yui went back inside and threw her laundry in the dryer, pacing restlessly. Barbara had said Steven would arrive in Philadelphia at eleven. Will was going to pick him up, and they would be back at one at the latest.  
She imagined Suboshi sitting, watching her with bright eyes.  
_Why are you so excited, Yui-sama?  
I don't know, Suboshi._  
She threw the dried laundry into the laundry basket and dragged it upstairs, determined to do something useful. Folding the laundry, she stuffed it inside the drawers, then resumed her pacing at the window, glancing at her clock.  
Twelve forty-five. They should be coming home.

  


**

So let me come to you  
Close as I want to be  
Close enough for me  
To feel your heart beating fast  
And stay there as I whisper  
How I love your peaceful eyes on me  
Did you ever know  
That I had mine on you?

**
  
**--Final Fantasy VIII, _Eyes on Me_ **

  
There was the roar of the engine as the old car pulled into the driveway and a cough as the engine turned off.  
She took the stairs one at a time. The front door loomed strangely large in her vision and she stopped, halfway down the stairs, as the door handle slowly turned and it swung open.  
His back was to her, dragging a suitcase with one hand and a box with the other. He was sweating. Hot air rushed into the foyer and the door banged against the wall as he knocked it open with one hand.  
"Ah, crap." He wrestled with the box. "Mom? I'm back!"  
And as he straightened and turned, she saw the world flash before her eyes.  
_Don't let life pass you by, Yui. Don't let second chances pass you by.  
Promise me you'll find my brother. Promise me…you'll take care of him._  
His hair was as sandy blond as she remembered. His eyes were sky blue.  
_All my life I've felt I was waiting for someone…  
Trust. Remember that. It's the answer…to everything._  
His hands that were holding the box moved and the box dropped to the floor, crashing, as he stared up into her eyes.  
_Change is something that can come to everyone, if they want to accept it.  
I've learned you can't force anyone to love you, and that love is not so much an emotion as a search._  
She moved soundlessly down the stairs until she was standing before him, taking in his stunned gaze and the emotion in his eyes that she was sure was mirrored in her.  
_You search until you find someone, and somehow you know…you know that that person is the one. That the journey is over.  
I think…I think I've always loved him. I just never believed that I could._  
"I-" she whispered.  
He smiled again, and the room seemed to flare with brilliant color, tracing gems in the air and in her ears she could hear the crashing of waves and on her lips she could feel the memory of him.  
"I love you, Yui."  
And as he held out his hand to her, she felt the burning of cool fire surrounding them and the whole world was ash beneath their feet and it was only them floating in the universe of forever.  
Far away, there was a flash of white and silver and blue.

  


** Me ga atta shunkan demo sore wa watashi de  
Uso yo uso, anata kakete kuru  
Tokimeki no doukasen ga  
Karada juu o hashitteku  
Bara bara ni naranai you ni  
Shikkari shinakucha watashi**
** When our eyes meet, I can't believe  
That it is me you are running to  
The heartbeat of excitement  
Is pounding through my body  
I have to pull myself together  
So I don't fall apart**
  
**--Fushigi Yuugi, _Tokimeki no Doukasen_ (TV ending theme)**

  



	11. Story Notes

Notes on Seiryuu **NOTES on _Butterfly's Sleep_: 10 out of 10 parts completed 10 August 2000**

THESE NOTES HAVE MAJOR SPOILERS FOR _BUTTERFLY'S SLEEP_. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU READ THE FANFICTION BEFORE READING THE NOTES FOR THE SAKE OF CLARITY AS WELL AS PLOT.

As far as long fanfics go, this is my longest one to date. It was inspired by a family vacation to California (Sequoia and Yosemite National Parks), where my internet and fanfiction-starved mind went wild and started imagining all kinds of scenarios. What if the Seiryuu seishi were reborn? What would Yui think? What would the Suzaku seishi think?

If you asked, I'd probably say that this is what I'd consider "amibitious and epic," for me. I'm mostly a one-shot writer, and having just finished _The Crossroads_, I didn't think I'd have the energy and time to start another, longer series. But once again ambition won out and I started writing anyway.

_Butterfly_ was harder for me to write than most of my other fics because it deals with Fushigi Yuugi characters in a modern setting. As a fantasy writer, I had difficulties with the modern culture (though I LIVE in modern culture...how weird is that?) and just the overall "different" setting and plot. As I wrote, I kept thinking, "Man, this is so weird, that Nakago would be doing this in modern society," or "I can't imagine Miboshi living in the modern world." But I persisted, because well, I had to finish somehow, right? I must say that this fic forced me to pull out all the stops as far as travel experiences and history classes were concerned. Writing a world travel fic is harder than it looks!

What follows is a chapter by chapter analysis of _Butterfly's Sleep_. This is your last chance to turn back if you haven't read the fic yet. Spoilers start below.

* * *

**I. Birth:** I've never been a big Yui/Tetsuya fan, and I had the evil idea to illustrate right from the start that their relationship wasn't working out very well. I hope my description of Tokyo airport was correct, but I've never been there so I might have made some mistakes. Andy Wong is the name of Hotohori's reincarnation, and Pedro is the name of Mitsukake's reincarnation (both coming from the FY Sequential Stories). The reason Yui's plane was stalled (the broken temperature sensor) actually happened to me coming back from San Fransisco. Forty minutes into the flight back to Houston, the pilot announced that we had to turn around and we ended sitting at the gate for another 3 hours or so. Horrible -_-

**II. Awakening:** I don't know much about travel exchange programs, but it seems logical that Yui would have a host family to take her in. I don't know how the gardening thing got in there, but it's nice that Yui has a new hobby, don't you think? ^_^

**III. Strength:** The first "seishi" installment of the story, and the one I've gotten the most flak for. "Why did you kill Soi? Why can't she end up with Nakago?" Well, first of all, I wanted something different when I wrote this reincarnation fic, and having Soi die without Nakago is certainly different. The other reason is that I wanted Soi to be the first seishi Yui saw, and having her die would help her be the one that sticks in Yui's mind the most and have her take the reincarnated seishi seriously. (Not that she wouldn't have, but it seems of more import since I did it this way...at least to me.) The title of the chapter comes from Soi's strength. I do believe that she was a very strong woman and a strong character (as you know, if you've read my other Soi fics). I wanted Yui to learn the most important lesson from her, which is the lesson about everyone getting a second chance. After all, this is what the fic is about!

**IV. Growth:** This chapter took me almost three days to write, partly due to the fact that I got partial writer's block during this time and also partly due to the fact that I was stuck in a chat with the FY fanfiction ML for 6 hours discussing the merits of Nakago (or something...don't ask). Claude Debussy's _Syrinx_ is one of the world's more famous solo flute pieces and is the song that Amiboshi plays whenever he is trying to kill someone ("This music will destroy your soul!") ^^; Amiboshi's reincarnation's name, Jeff Cotorro, is named such because (as my friend pointed out) most famous flute players have names starting with "J," and "Cotorro" sounds like "Koutoku," which is Amiboshi's given name.

**V. Weakness:** This is where the weird stuff begins. Yui and Tetsuya's fight I think is more funny than anything, but then again I don't like Tetsuya. I wanted something different for Nakago, and I suddenly came up with the idea of him saving her from a car wreck. What better way to show his progression as a character and a man than him saving Yui? I've always had a fascination with French people and French things, and though my year of French in school doesn't do me much credit, I made Nakago French because the leader of the Seiryuu seishi should have the best. As I told Laurelgand after I wrote this, this chapter kind of made me wish I hadn't killed Soi, but I still think Soi's death was necessary to the plot. "BeauSeigneur" means literally "Good Gentleman" or something. If I had a choice, I would have just translated "Nakago" into French to use for his last name, but that had already been done by Jill James in _Mercy's Gift_ ("Maisoncoeur" is French for "Heart's Lodging").

**VI. Emptiness:** This was a "filler" chapter, letting Yui have a little room to think. This chapter was when I realized that I had five chapters left but only four seishi, and that meant I could fill up one of those chapters with bits and pieces of nothing. I think this is the chapter in which Yui starts thinking of Suboshi as more than a teenage crush.

**VII. Suspension:** Yui's trip to Europe begins. This is where I begin pulling out everything I've ever learned in history and private research and historical fiction and eyewitness accounts and anything else that relates to traveling. I've never been to Europe and even though I want to go SO badly, it's going to have to wait a few years. So I apologize to anyone British, Italian, or Greek in advance if I made any glaring mistakes in these next three parts of the story. This chapter was also strange in that I couldn't really think of how to write Miboshi's reincarnation. For one, we never really see him in the series, and two, Yui probably never even knew him. But *shrugs* I did the best I could. If I wanted to reincarnate Seiryuu seishi, I had to reincarnate ALL of them.

**VIII. Emergence:** This marks the start of my three-chapter writing spree, due to the insistent, harsh, and very unfair demands of the FY fanfiction ML. ^^;; (Jill and Frost, especially!) The first part with them in Scotland was inspiried by Sara Tench wanting them to visit Scotland. I had an idea for some Celtic stuff already, but the Scotland bit forced me to dig out all my knowledge of Celtic customs. (I used to be a huge fan of all things Celtic). The legend of Oisin is a real one and can be found in the Irish Oisinian Cycle. Again, like the last chapter, Ashitare was just...weird. I hope making him an Italian construction worker wasn't too off the wall. Hey, he has to have SOMETHING to do as a profession! (and no, Exar, I didn't want to do "Ashitare in the circus" ^!^)

**IX. Rebirth:** I saved Tomo second to last because I didn't think Ashitare would be a nice way to end a trip to Europe, as much as I like Ashitare (not kidding!) At first I was going to put Tomo in China, but realized that wouldn't work, since I had put Yui only going to Europe. So I made him a Greek actor. It was a nice chance for me to dig up all that knowledge on Greek drama, and a nice refresher course on Sophocles' _Medea_ ^^;. Dolphins are really considered luck-bringers in Greece, since they are reported to rescue drowned sailors and the like (I think Apollo was also patron god of the dolphin, or something. Correct me if I'm wrong.)

**X. Flight:** The final chapter is the shortest, but I think the most important. Yui's found all the seishi but Suboshi, and she finally admits it to Tetsuya, not knowing that Steven is Suboshi's reincarnation. And, as Dreamwalker said to me in an email, "And not to mention a very good allusion to their [Yui and Suboshi's] whole relationship. He has always been right in front of her and she didn't even realize it." That was kind of what I was aiming for. (Yes, I am a Yui/Suboshi fan ^_^) It all comes together in the end, with Yui and Suboshi together and Seiryuu in the distance, the "flash of white and silver and blue."

* * *

I wrote this fic under a variety of influences, most of them musical. You have (I hope) noticed that every break in the story is filled by some lyrics to a song. These "fillers" follow the pattern of Yui's journey:

I. Yui in Japan: Japanese lyrics, beginning with "Itooshi Hito no Tame ni," the FY opening theme  
II. Yui in America: English lyrics  
III. Yui in America: English lyrics with Soi's image song at the end  
IV. Amiboshi's heritage: Irish/Spanish lyrics, with Amiboshi's image song at the end  
V. Nakago's heritage: French lyrics with Nakago's image song at the end  
VI. Yui reflecting: English/Japanese lyrics  
VII. Yui in England: English lyrics by British artists  
VIII. Yui in Scotland and then Italy: Scottish lyrics, Italian lyrics, and Latin lyrics  
IX. Yui in Greece: Greek/Japanese lyrics, along with part of a translation of Sophocles' "Antigone"  
X. Yui in America: Japanese/English lyrics, ending with "Tokimeki no Doukasen," FY ending theme

All Japanese (except for Weiss Kreuz) and Spanish lyrics were translated by me. French translation of "Papillon" was done by Laurelgand. Greek transliteration of "Ki an Yelao" done by me. Everything else was done by various other people who are not credited probably because I could not find out who they were. (Random Greek translations lying around the net are not credited, trust me).

I named the fic after the L'Arc en Ciel song of the same name. They are my favorite band, and the lyrics struck me as rather applicable to Yui's journey. You can find them on the main butterfly page.

The music I listened to while writing this also had an influence on the way the story progressed. Here are some of the songs that really inspired me, one way or the other:

Fushigi Yuugi: "Aoi Arashi" (Yui), "Nocturne" (Amiboshi), "Blue Eyes..Blue" (Nakago-believe it or not)  
_Heavy Gauge_, Glay album  
_Ark_, L'Arc en Ciel album  
Britney Spears: "Lucky" (I'm not a Britney Spears fan, I just like the song)  
Nine Days: "Bitter"  
Koyasu Takehito: "Tiny Little Song"  
Weiss Kreuz: "Kiss me Kiss me Kill me" (Farfarello...I know, isn't it scary?)  
_Eden_, Sarah Brightman album  
Hamasaki Ayumi: "Ever Free" and "Seasons"  
Loreena McKennitt: "Greensleeves" (original version)

And finally, here are all the people I wish to thank on this endeavor, which, (for me) was quite an undertaking:

Everyone on the Fushigi Yuugi Fanfiction Mailing List  
Exar for putting up with me while I wrote instead of talked and giving me information on profession flutists in New York  
Laurelgand for the lyrics to Celine Dion's _Papillon_, Loreena McKennitt's "Greensleeves," and moral support  
Night~Mare for making me laugh while I was stuck on plot ideas  
Dreamwalker for her support of Yui Hongou and the knowledge that even if no one else liked it, I'd at least have *one* fan (kidding! kidding! ^^;)  
Jay Kama (http://members.xoom.com/FujimiyaAya), for letting me use his Weiss Kreuz song translations  
And anyone else who helped, but I forgot.

This was the weirdest fic (at least that's how it seemed to me) that I've ever written, and I've already had some clamors for a sequel ^^;. We'll see...

Until next time, ja ne!

Seiryuu no Miko and the Seiryuu no seishi like comments at [lordofmerentha@yahoo.com][1].

NOTE: This fic was originally posted on [The Four Gods Sky and Earth][2], my Fushigi Yuugi fanfiction archive and the sequel, _Fate_, has been written and completed. I will try to post this on Fanfiction.net as soon as possible. ^^ Thanks for reading!

   [1]: mailto:lordofmerentha@yahoo.com
   [2]: http://www.mitsukake.com/aoiryuu/fanfic/



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